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She typed with heavy hands, leaden with the weight of idea and the hefty feel of expectations.There that girl was, all bustle and bounce, who announced her words to the world and did not just speak. Her want to fly through a net of unfounded ideals and ungrounded dreams was overwhelming and her daydream was where she dwelled these dark days. The cold barely left her bones and yawns would strike her often for she felt old and worn, already fully lived. She was haunted by two taunting pasts, both mocking her from balconys and looking down on where she walked along life. Her shoulders were buckling under burdening time, running out but getting heavier every second less. She wanted dramatic skies and cathedral wide shoulders of a man asleep and the scrawl of someone forgotton. She clawed after the idea of change, of feeling at home elsewhere, but for now she played the waiting game. Waiting. The want.

Worst Year/ Best Year

The Worst Year
Looking back on my life, I would probably say that when I was 15, it was my worst year. I went through a very low phase. I literally was dabbling in everything that didn't help, arguing constantly with the boyf which lead to me feeling like my self esteem had been obliterated. I felt ugly, like a fat short boy. Only all the wrong things made me feel good. Then I finally had a shot upwards when I got together with the new boyf, only to feel shit again once the cheating - my cheating - started. If I could take back a year of my life it would probably be that. Re do it.
In the redo I would be single for the whole year, then the cheating would just be boy-flitting. The arguments wouldn't happen. I'd feel attractive because nobody was putting me down. My friends wouldn't end up hating me and I'd avoid a heck of a lot of shit.

The Best Year
This is probably this year. Not to sound cheesy but it's taken a lot to get here. I had to loose some friends to realise that I needed new ones and the ones I found are the rocks that make up my world. I found my beloved new boyfriend who has taught me so much about loving myself and loving someone else. I feel so comfortable now in who I am - I don't mind being short and looking 13, or being slightly bossy and controlling. I make up for it in warmth and humour (I hope). I finally have a group of girl friends again and it's so good to have that support network, a chain of people who care and (hopefully) aren't just faking faces because they pity me.
Of course I'm having a pretty shit time elsewhere. My nana's in hospital, my dad and mum are fighting like wildcats, my sisters away and I miss her and often I'll feel out of control of things. But having these people around me who care and want to help, even just listening - it's making every moment better.
Thanks.

[/cheesyness]