My Day - Episode Fourty One - XMAS

Christmas this year was different to last year. Usually we would spend the Xmas eve and morn at Dad and then avo and boxing day at Mums. This year we've spend all of the Eve and the Xmas Day at Dads.

It was really fun! This morning me and Rachael treated Carole and Dad to a fully cooked christmas breakfast, as is the tradition. We had tatty scones, spam, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, beans, black pudding and eggs. Yes, we cooked it all! It was a feast of deliciousness. Then we chilled for a bit and watched some Tevo. No present opening yet apart from a card from dad with a homemade cheque for 100 pounds signed P. Daddy. What a comical genius he is. You can see where I get it from.
Then Katie and Adam came over and we were allowed to open presents! (They are Carole's kids) I got slippers and socks and jamas and a diary and so much chocolate and more money and a watch necklace that's little and adorable instead of my usual watchly beasts.

Carole bought the Michael Jackson wii Dance game for the whole family to play so I played that. Yes on my first go I got over ten thousand points. Oh yes, I rock at that. Then we played a zombie shoot em up and I got the high score on that - Oh yes, I rock at that too! Then we watched tevo whilst dinner was made and then Ken (Katie and Adam's Dad) came over to join us for dinner. Although that sounds like it might be awkward, especially if you know of the mega drama that happened last time, it was nice and homely. It was good to have a full house with lots of food. We all ate till we felt sick. Me and Rach washed up and then served pudding which was Strawberry cheesecake and Yule Log. I chose the chocolatey log and microwaved it so it was melted and gooey and gorgeeeouuus! Yum yum yum.

Fully content we have now collapsed in front of the telly, well and truely fat and happy.
Merry Christmas :)

My Day - Episode Fourty CONT

Okay so where was I?

Monday
Monday was when the lovely Joe came over and we hung out. Watched Criminal Minds which I have become unnaturally obsessed with and just generally snuggled and hugged. It was top notch. I was feeling really ill so I didn't want to do much and luckily we are both pretty content with just hanging. Had some nice chats.




Tuesday
Well I had absolutely nothing planned so I spent most of the lunchtimeish time revising Psychology retake which is a total cow. I feel like I know it already so why did I lose so many marks the first time around? Then watched Criminal Minds (You'll recognise a trend here) and Nigel got home during it. He told me it was my aunty Nicky's birthday so later on we went out for a indian. Now, this was rather funny for me but nobody else.
On the way there I slipped on something I thought was mud (It only got on my shoe XD) but carried on walking. Then we sat down and were having starters and all I could think was "I can smell dog shit. Can they smell dog shit? Do I smell of dog shit?" So I had to excuse myself to the loo and spend a few minutes cleaning my shoe because yes, it was dog shit. After liberally washing my hands up to my elbows (freaky cleanliness much) I joined the dinner again. Me and cousin Leigh chatted a lot about school which was nice. I should get in contact more because we really do get along. She's taking similar subjects to me too, wants to get into Criminology. Yum.

Wednesday MorningFraid it's only morning because I'll probably update you about how this avo goes another time. I had a nice lie in until gone nine which was good because family made me have a late night. Unfortunately I had a troubling dream. The dream itself was actually quite pleasant in topic but it shouldn't be. It's like the song.... One sec. The first 12 seconds of this song pretty much sums it up. XD

 

So anyways. I had that dream so now I can't concentrate very well. I'm trying to revise Ethics - morals n shiz. HA the irony! So anyways later I'm going out to dinner with my old girlies, all of them! That's only if my mum is willing to take me out when all this snow has pissed everywhere. It always holds off right until I actually want to go somewhere. Right, ciao!

My Day - Episode Fourty

Actually, I'm going to go ahead and do a couple of days.

Friday
Woke up at Joes where I had spent the night and we just lazied in the morning. There was a nice moment where I woke up to Joe listening quietly to music so I shuffled on over for a hug and to listen with him. It was nice, no words just hugging and listening.
When we finally dragged our lazy asses out of bed, we went shopping where I finished my christmas shopping. One of the best things about Joe is that he actually enjoys shopping almost as much as me. Since he's an only child with a girly mum, I'm guessing he learnt to love being dragged along on trips. It's nice not having to drag around a boyfriend by the collar to get stuff done. Then we walked home (collld!) and had a cup of tea. Hutchy then joined us which was nice, I love my Hutchy. He gave me a Sunjar which is so pretty, I slept with it on that night and it's so nice. Really helps to cope with my creepy children standing in the dark corners nightmares.
Then Joe's Dad came home and we headed out to go and get the christmas tree. Then we decorated it together. That was nice since I always get a really awkward cold feeling from his Dad which is hard to push past. It's understandable since I'm just some random chick who often visits his house.
When I got home, I had some dinner and the night passed in a blur.




Saturday
Woke up, revised. This was pretty much my morning. I didn't really do much. In the evening I was picked up by my Dad who had Carole and Rachael in tail. Awesome, haven't seen Rach in ages so we had a laugh chatting. Went back to Dads for a bit while we got ready and then we were off out to my uncle Steve's annual family chinese. At the event was cousin Jamie with his dad Andy and his new wife Jenny, My nanny and grandad, uncle Steve with his new wife Sharon, their new son Adam and her daughter Rebecca. And of course Carole, me, Rach and Dad. Got all that? That was nice, like every year. Good choice of pudding.

Sunday
Nothing happened. Really.

Monday
Is that today? No. Yesterday. OH I'll cont later. Off now,

My Day - Episode Thirty Nine

Howdy, haven't done a my day for a while but that's usually because my days are pretty monotonous.

So in first lesson I had a structured so we (Bekah and her year 12 pet, Aimee, Edwards, Harry and Me) hung about in bottom red while I tried to do some biology coursework, got a reasonably amount done. I felt like I was trudging through masses of fudge I was going that fast but at least I was moving. I chatted to Aimee about her life in general and then teased Harry about his paleness.

Ibn second I had Biology in which we got to play with whiteboards which I love. Although pretty much the whole of this my thoughts were "I have not yet answered a question, that sucks. I like being knowledgable" and "This pen is shite." So that passed without much to note about.

Then it was the 1 hour 45 minute lesson of Psychology with the ever debatable Roffe. Roffe let us revise so I went through the exam I got a B in and made perfect answers. Until there was a debate going on about horizon ratio, so I had to jump in and help make it clearer. (For those who are curious, horizon ratio is where things that are identical will always have the same proportion above and below the horizon no matter what distance away, and if something has a lesser proportion then it's a different size and not further away.)

Then we had Christmas lunch and this was with some random girlies. Me, Bekah (SHE NEVER LEAVES ME! XD), Dragana and Natalie sat together. It took a lot of organising just to pull crackers and then we all at the yummy dinner. And yes Hutchy, the cupcakes were effing DELICIOUS. I adored it. I even at the honeycomb, which I discovered today that I liked.

Then we hopped off to go be freeeee as a bird. So for this we hid in top blue. Me, Joe and Bekah began the crowd and were then joined by Hutchy, Josh and Edwards. I chatted to Hutchy which is nice cause I always enjoy our convos, as rare as they are. Then I got really frustrated by two things, one of which was that damn Bio coursework. Joe was getting annoyed because he couldn't help me the way I wanted so eventually I just ran to Ms Annabell who (bless her) was running back and forth for mark schemes, books and resources trying to help me. Eventually we scribbled all over until we got a decent chunk done just in time for the end of the day.

So I ran back to get my bois and went to the busses. Awesome snog. ;) Teehee. Then I got to the bus, Josh and all the other sixth formers weren't on so I was rulllleerr! I taught beloved George some science, reminisced about discos and amused everyone with my jokes. I need to stop making things up though for comic effect. I do it a lot - I'll be telling a true story and then will realise it's not funny enough so I'll make up something random to enrich it. Can't even remember what my additions were this time. Something to do with me loosing my voice, which I've never done. Oh well.

Walking home was fine, me and George just mucking around. We talked about shite like we usually do and bid farewell with the usual "Don't get raped!" because he has to walk down this dead shifty alley. O.O He's okay though. He will not be sodomized whilst under my watch.

Got home, had a really nice chat about work with Step-dad Nige and drank tea with him. He's getting better at not making pissy tea. Then he made shepards pie which I devoured whilst watching Have I got News for You. I just realised this is a reallly unnecessarily detailed account of my day but HEY you're the one that's sad enough to read to the end.

Laterz Losaa!

Pink Lyrics

Pink is an artist I've been able to relate to constantly, she writes so many songs which I love purely because they are awesome and some I listen to and am like "That's soooo me" :)
So here's a couple of awesome lyrics I either adore or really think define me.

When it's late at night
And you're fast asleep
I let my fingers do the walking

You can push me out the window
I'll just get back up
You can run me over with your 18 wheeler truck
And I won't give up

like the coldest winter
i am frozen from you
i was weak before now you've made me
so numb i can't feel much for you anymore
i gave you my all my baby
i'm numb numb numb

In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
We look pretty normal
Lets go back to that
In our family portrait
We look pretty happy
Lets play pretend, act like it
Goes naturally

Tell me what do they see
When they look at me
Do they see my many personalities, oh no?

So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks

I dont wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence.
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth.
Please dont tell me that we had that conversation,
I wont remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy!
I can't help it i like to party, it's genetic!
It's electrifying, wind me up and watch me go
Where she stops, nobody knows
A good excuse to be a bad influence on you and you


Apologies for the fact most of the songs are sad but she seems to favour the more deep and gritty songs. :)

General thoughts

Well today I realised a few things.
I haven't organised to see anyone outside of school for a long time, and people have become less bothered by it too.
I spend a huge amount of time fantisising about the future when I used to never look past tomorrow
I'm trying to force myself to grow up on the outside, whilst keeping my inner child more fiery and alive than ever. I want to appear like a woman, go to Uni and to work and buy a house and then go to swimming pools and pretend I'm a dolphin.
I want to be at Uni more than anything in the world right now. I want that freedom and responsibility and everything that comes with it!
I am addicted to shopping online. 

Other than that, everything is fine. I'm pretty happy.

Chapter Three

The nurse left a cup of soup on my tray and left like it was the most average thing in the world. I hadn’t eaten or drank in days because my liver couldn’t take it, choking on anything I tried to feed it and causing me intense pain. Now, a simple soup. I reached out to it and tried to lift it to my mouth but it was barely an inch above the tray before it clattered back out of my hands. Peter got out of bed and shuffled over to me.
“Here” He held my hands against the mug firmly and guided it to my dry sore lips. I watched his mouth tense with concentration, trying not to spill it anywhere. He parted his lips, mimicking drinking like you would with a child. I drank deeply, finishing the whole cup. He helped me lower it and then wiped my mouth on a napkin.
“There, is that better?” I nodded.
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“For what? The way you are recovering, it’s nothing short of a miracle. Is this common with your Sojo-mojo syndrome?” I smiled at his pet name for my murderous disease.
“Not really.” He went quiet and thoughtful, peeking at me through his fringe.
“Does it hurt?” I paused and then nodded. There was something strange about this man, he filled me with hope and healing even though I knew nothing about him.
“Who are you?” I asked, trying not to sound rude or intruding, just curious. It didn’t quite work with the deep gasp of my voice but he smiled, which was a good sign.
“What a thing to ask.” He leant back on his bed and pinched his lips in thought. “I’m a man who enjoys taking photos of trees and their shadows. I love the way they can sometimes look like clouds, like lollipops or sometimes like animals. Then you get trees in winter when they look naked and mean. Winter trees seem to sprawl out even more when you want them to curl into themselves and shiver. I love how their shadows can look completely different to the tree itself, almost an opposite.” He smiled to himself and closed his eyes. “My favourite tree is one that stands alone in a golden field of corn. Because of all the crop around it, its shadow quivers constantly... like it’s afraid of being so alone.” He hadn’t spoke so much since I’d come into the room and he captivated me with his passion.
“Photographer?” I asked, enquiring as to if that was his career. He chuckled to himself.
“I wish. Just a fanatic, really. I work in an office most of the time. High flyer executive man.” He grasped his fake lapels and primped himself
“What about you? Oh let me guess... You’re a model! You are a... masseuse. Am I right?” He winked cheekily and I blushed deeply.
“No job.” I whispered, looking at my folded hands. He tilted his head to the side quizzically.
“Too sick.” His mouth popped open with a gentle ‘aah’ as he understood, I had a life sentence. We sat for a while in a semi-awkward silence.
“Family?” I asked, genuinely curious to see if he was married or not. I hadn’t seen any wife visit but you never know with people nowadays. My parents had visited often, bringing a random aunt or uncle with them ‘just to see’. I really knew that they were giving people a chance to say goodbye without overwhelming me with them all at once, still I appreciated they were trying to be subtle. Peter considered his answer for a moment.
“Well, I was married.”
“Was?”
“Yeah, that didn’t really last too long.” The laughter left his eyes for a moment and I decided not to pry, hospitals were depressing enough without having to delve into your black past.

He sighed loudly and we were once again joined by a nurse. She bustled around the room with her incessant talking. 

“Well, hello my two lovelies. Aren’t you two peas in a pod now? I knew that you would get to know each other quickly! The weather is simply dismal, freezing outside – you won’t believe the amount of injuries coming in because of slipping over on the ice. People need to wear sensible shoes instead of these impractical doo-dads with a heel as high as a hand and no grip whatsoever...” She continued on and Peter rolled his eyes making me laugh. Throughout the whole time she was there he made faces behind her back and imitated her wiggle as she walks and her constant chatter. I tried to contain my giggles but it just came out as snorts and hiccups, making the nurse confused and probably a little disgusted. She tugged at my wires and disabled something which looked pretty vital which stopped my giggles immediately.
“What? No!” I cried pathetically from my bed.
“Oh no don’t worry dear, Doctor’s orders you know. You’ve been showing so much improvement on your own recently we’ve decided to put faith in your body and retract some of the harsher drugs which hinder more than help. You’ll be fine deary, don’t look so frightened; you remind me of a little robin bird. Rest for now, you’ll feel so much better when you wake up.” She left the room with a cautionary warning for Peter to stick to his meal plan or he’ll kill himself. I eyed the unplugged machine warily, a few days I was dead without it and now I was independent of my robotic other half. I almost felt lonely.
“That’s good news, you shouldn’t look so sad Kerry-cake.” He smiled at me and winked as he slipped a smuggled chocolate through his teeth. I tutted at him and he stuck out a tongue that was covered in caramel. He was really beginning to grow on me.

My Day - Episode Thirty Eight

Well today I woke up at my usual time, unusually awake because I had loads of stuff I needed to do in school today. Just errands, nothing mega. Then mum came in like "There's like this much snow outside *insert gesture* and it's forecast more, I don't think you should go today. I'm not having you have to call halfway through the day for permission to come home early. It's silly." So I was like mmrrmmrrmmrrm and emailed my teachers to say I'm not in.
Then I got up because I don't like lie-ins once I'm already awake. Made myself a fry up, cheesy eggy bread with sausages (skinless ;D ) Then I buckled down to the couch and basically stayed there all day.
I watched 2012 (awesome sfx), Stealing Beauty (really good storyline) and a bit of the Proposal (yay happy ending people!). Then I took a trip to the shops for no reason, got some pudding and ate it.

Nothing much really happened today. Apart from me feeling shit. Oh and writing this story. Yeah... I randomly got inspiration but unfortunately I will never do the storyline justice.

Chapter Two

CHAPTER TWO

When I woke up it felt like days had passed. I wasn’t refreshed from sleeping, just felt even more exhausted. I could feel that there was someone beside me, unusually close. I opened my eyes and an angel was inches from my face. I gasped and jolted in my bed slightly.
“Sorry!” He said, backing away slowly, his hand grasping the pole of his drip. I stared at the strangers face until I remembered who he was, Peter Peckering, the man with the unfortunate name and my new roomie. I had been introduced briefly to him right after I had been told that I would die in days. He jolted me out of my reverie about yesterdays occurrences by asking me a question.
“What’s your name?” I scowled with frustration, like I could answer! ‘I’m hooked up to a bunch of wires, idiot, I can barely breathe, never mind speak.’ I thought loudly at him. He waited patiently and then eventually picked up my chart. I felt violated, that was private and he was greedily reading every line. I grunted my disapproval.
“Kerry-ann Wymer. Oh God, this looks terrible. I’m so sorry.”
“Kerry.”
“What?” He looked at me startled and I stared back. I couldn’t help but correct him from using my full name but even I was surprised that I was able to open my mouth at all.
“Kerry then. I’m Peter.” He waited for a moment and then shuffled back to his bed, muttering about crappy slippers under his breath. He sat down with a huff and looked at me with a glint in his eye.
“Hey don’t take this personally but you look awful.” He laughed and I narrowed my eyes, what an ass.
“I’d murder a cake right now. Can’t though.” He poked his stomach which was no doubt firm and toned. I guessed he was referring to his gall bladder.
“A really big one. Chocolate of course, there’s nothing better. With ice cream at the side, and you could warm the cake so it melts a little. Oh, I can taste it!” I imagined the cake he was describing, dripping with rich chocolate that smelled of heaven. To my surprise, my mouth felt wet. I was drooling.
“I’m drooling.” I told him, sitting up in my bed a little more.
“Yeah... me too.” He replied dreamily, his eyes closed as he breathed in his imaginary smell.
“No you don’t understand...” I trailed off, licking my lips. It was a miracle. What was this? I was meant to be drying up until I died, not suddenly leaping back to health. I smashed the button that was at my side for the nurse, pressing it over and over again with two fingers.
“What are you doing?” Peter looked at me like I was mad. The nurse came in, looking annoyed at the constant ringing. She took the button away from me and put it on the side.
“What’s wrong dear? Are you in pain?”
“No.” Startled by my speech, she reached for my chart and then examined it alongside my current readings. Her brow furrowed and she walked over to an intercom on the wall.
“Can Dr Yammy come to room 14 please, Yammy to room 14.” She placed the chart back on the end of the bed and I watched her leave, hips sashaying from side to side. Silence permeated the air of the room, her footsteps echoing down the hallway. Voices were hushed but hurried. The nurse spoke in a rushing and panicked tone. There was quiet and then hurried footsteps which slowed to a gentle pace outside the door. The doctor walked in, a picture of calm.
“Let’s have a look see.” He hummed to himself and clicked his tongue against his teeth as he checked all the machines that bleeped by my sides. I shifted in my bed and he watched me like a hawk, fascinated.
Peter peeked out from the side of the doctor, watching me with him.
“You’re getting better.” He said slowly.  
“Why?” I croaked, my throat cracking with the rare use. Turning to consult the nurse, she just stood in silent with her eyes to the machines. He shook his head.
“We don’t know.”

The end of the world

Why have we built everything so big? When it finally does come to the end of the world, we will be crushed under the weight of our own creations.

Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

Have you ever felt that without the person you love, you would just die? That if they walked away from you forever, you couldn’t live without them? I did. Only for me life was a little more literal than that. 

“The test confirms it.” My mother broke down sobbing, my father cradled her like a child. His eyes were red and wet but he didn’t cry because he needed to be strong for me. It hadn’t sunk in. I had just been delivered a death sentence. This was it. I was dying.
“How long?” Dad croaked quietly, Mum stilled her sobbing for a moment so she could listen. The doctor flipped a piece of paper on my chart and took a moment to calculate how many weeks, months or years I had left. He fell still and dropped the chart to his side. Sitting down on my bed, he exhaled deeply.
“This disease is very unpredictable. With luck you could have a few weeks, but realistically we are looking at days.”

The silence in the room was tainted with dread. Days. No twenty-third birthday. No wedding. No children. No anniversaries. No grandchildren. Just days. I sunk into my bed, my arms weak. I could feel my lungs heaving for air more than ever before, rattling in my chest. It hurt to stare at my parents who were hushed. Dad was crying now, his bravado dissolved when confronted with the reality of time.

“Whilst you are welcome to stay at the hospital, we are open to the idea of you going home so you can be as comfortable as you like.” The breath seeped out of me in a crackle. I shook my head. I couldn’t speak because it was too much effort so I furrowed my brow and shook my head.
“Darling, come home so you can be somewhere relaxing, somewhere…” Mum faltered at the end of her sentence, her lip wobbling. I shook my head again. Dad tightened his grip on mum.
“If she stays here, can we visit?”
“Of course, Sir. You will have extended visiting hours but of course, for various reasons, you cannot be here all the time.”
“We understand.” The room fell silent again as they looked at me. The dead girl.
“You’ll take good care of her?” Mum was worrying away at a thread with her fingers, her teary eyes staring right at the poor Doctor.
“We will do everything we can. I promise.” They nodded at each other and a nurse entered the room.
“Doctor?”
“Yes.” He turned to my parents. “I’m afraid she has to be moved to the ICU and will be in a shared room with a male patient of ours. Is that okay? We can change the room if you request but there are curtains for privacy.”
“No no, that will be fine.” Dad shakes his head as he guides mum over to my bed. She takes my hand, I can barely feel her shaking touch but it’s there.
“I’ll have to ask you to say goodbye for now, we have to move Kerry-ann” I mentally cringed at my full name. I hated the added –ann, it was totally unnecessary. I privately wished that I could correct him but all I could do was frown slightly.
“She looks in pain.” Mum whispered, stroking my arm.
“She’s well medicated, she isn’t.” The doctor stated, glancing at my chart again to make sure he isn’t mistaken. He subtly waved in the nurse. She was all in blue, a cheery tone like the colour of a clear sky. My parents said farewell and I tried to look strong for them but my life was slipping away from me like sand through a sieve, I could feel it more than ever. 

The nurse introduced herself as Izzy, as in Isabelle. She babbled about her two children, the weather today, my lovely brown hair, her dirty blonde hair and the patient I would be sharing with. That caught my interest. Who would I be spending my final days staring at?
“He’s a twenty-something year old man, I can’t remember his exact age for the life of me, but he’s very dashing – or at least he was. He’s not here for long he’s just waiting for surgery to get his gall bladder removed. We would let him out but he’s so cheeky and never sticks to meal plans so we have to keep him here. We are sorry that we can’t have you with a female patient but I’m afraid with the current state of affairs we’re so short on beds at the minute. Did you know that on average each patient needs two nurses and…” I let her continue to talk, not that I could stop her exactly. A cheeky, dashing man who is around about my age… I wondered whether he’d talk to me or be freaked out by all the wires and machines. I felt like a puppet, strings and tubes all over so I can barely move for fear of dislodging something vital. 

Finally I was wheeled into the room, feet first so I could see where I was going. It was bright and airy with some flowers next to the beds, just some forget-me-nots. The windows as tall as a man and had huge heavy curtains that were patterned with a gentle pastel tone. I risked a look over to my roommate and was not disappointed. He was a little yellow, but other than that he was gorgeous. Sparkling blue eyes that were squinted with laughter and brown hair like mine that was stuck up too much from lying down all the time. He was talking to yet another nurse who was batting her eyelashes and giggling like a school girl, obviously under his spell. He stopped laughing for a second to look at me. Across his eyes I saw fleeting pity which was then buried by a huge welcoming grin. The nurse whispered in my ear, “That’s Peter Peckering, you’re new roomie.”
My eyebrows raised, what an unfortunate name. I wanted to laugh but I was exhausted so I closed my eyes with a smile pricking at the edges of my mouth. The bed rolled into the corner and my machines were lined up beside me, their beeping was insistent at my ear but I was beyond used to it. Comfortable, I drifted off into a painless, dreamless sleep.

Brain Fart

Don't you just hate it when your brain just goes pfft? Gives up and leaves you hanging on your last thought in suspense. Today I was trying to write and essay and the world I wanted was accordance, but I went to write it and and pfft.

Nothing. Could not remember it. I knew the word, I knew the definition, I just didn't...know it... That didn't make much sense.

Dedicated to Hutchybabes who I spent two lovely frees with today. :)

My Day - Episode Thirty Seven

So today I woke up before my alarm and I was like "I could do some situps or I can sleep" so then I snoozed for twenty minutes and had a niiiice lie in, still waking up early. I had loads of time so I chose a thin-making outfit and did my hair pretty in search of compliments. (Mission success, got lots of pick me ups).

Rained. I was suited and booted in my anorak and trampy trainers to avoid soggyness. It worked and I was soggy free... wooo. Got into school and found Joe. Chatted with him and others. Went to English, worked on media which is coming along nicely. Then it was Philosophy which... I don't remember. Then it was a free where I did my Bio issue report, that's going fine again. Ate lunch with Joe and Jed joined us for a while. Then me and other hung out. Then Psych where we did an exam and I felt like I rocked it super cool style. In my last free I sat doing my English and chatting to Hutch.

Got home and parents have gone out to the pub so it's just me. I watch Ace of Cakes, Walking with Dinosaurs and some music channels. Preet asks me to photo-remove Nichols beard for a "Sponser the beard shave" campagin. Got into an argument over a friend who is dislike. Conflict resolved by a comprimise as usual. I was good and didn't get super angry too because I timed myself out. That worked.

Now I'm blogging. Later I'll be getting a takeaway with the rent and that's my life. Talk soon. :)

--

She typed with heavy hands, leaden with the weight of idea and the hefty feel of expectations.There that girl was, all bustle and bounce, who announced her words to the world and did not just speak. Her want to fly through a net of unfounded ideals and ungrounded dreams was overwhelming and her daydream was where she dwelled these dark days. The cold barely left her bones and yawns would strike her often for she felt old and worn, already fully lived. She was haunted by two taunting pasts, both mocking her from balconys and looking down on where she walked along life. Her shoulders were buckling under burdening time, running out but getting heavier every second less. She wanted dramatic skies and cathedral wide shoulders of a man asleep and the scrawl of someone forgotton. She clawed after the idea of change, of feeling at home elsewhere, but for now she played the waiting game. Waiting. The want.

Worst Year/ Best Year

The Worst Year
Looking back on my life, I would probably say that when I was 15, it was my worst year. I went through a very low phase. I literally was dabbling in everything that didn't help, arguing constantly with the boyf which lead to me feeling like my self esteem had been obliterated. I felt ugly, like a fat short boy. Only all the wrong things made me feel good. Then I finally had a shot upwards when I got together with the new boyf, only to feel shit again once the cheating - my cheating - started. If I could take back a year of my life it would probably be that. Re do it.
In the redo I would be single for the whole year, then the cheating would just be boy-flitting. The arguments wouldn't happen. I'd feel attractive because nobody was putting me down. My friends wouldn't end up hating me and I'd avoid a heck of a lot of shit.

The Best Year
This is probably this year. Not to sound cheesy but it's taken a lot to get here. I had to loose some friends to realise that I needed new ones and the ones I found are the rocks that make up my world. I found my beloved new boyfriend who has taught me so much about loving myself and loving someone else. I feel so comfortable now in who I am - I don't mind being short and looking 13, or being slightly bossy and controlling. I make up for it in warmth and humour (I hope). I finally have a group of girl friends again and it's so good to have that support network, a chain of people who care and (hopefully) aren't just faking faces because they pity me.
Of course I'm having a pretty shit time elsewhere. My nana's in hospital, my dad and mum are fighting like wildcats, my sisters away and I miss her and often I'll feel out of control of things. But having these people around me who care and want to help, even just listening - it's making every moment better.
Thanks.

[/cheesyness]

Todays challenge

I challenged myself today. I sat next to two people I completely hate. This might be because yesterday one walked past me and looked straight at me. He then proceeded to take the piss out of me with his mates. Hilarious. Really. So I decided it was about time I stopped avoiding them and being a chicken because I’m scared of what might happen. I plonked my arse right here and nothing has happened. Well actually I sat next to one but one computer away because there was someone logged on in the middle. I thought “Great! Buffer effect (y)” but no, it just so happened to be the right hand man, Mr Hatred No. 2.

Ah well, neither have them could even be arsed to catch my eye. Wankers. Total wankers. 

What do I want? Do I want them to talk to me, to ask how I’ve been so I can spit in their faces and throw insults at them? Do I want them to subtly apologise so I can turn my nose up at their pathetic excuses. Yes. I do. I’ll never get it. I don’t want revenge, I just want them to know that I think they are total and utter assholes. I really ought to stop writing this considering they are both sat right next to me but I cant be arsed. Fuck it if they read it. They won’t. They don’t. *Sigh*

EDIT: One said bye to me in a really sarcky way when I walked off. They know exactly how to get on my nerves. But I kept my composure and was fine. CHALLENGE COMPLETE!

 

My Day - Episode Thirty Six (List special edition)

Wake up.
Wear dress haven't worn in while.
Yes, still look too fat for it.
Breakfast.
Eggy bread.
Lost appetite for interestingness.
Watched Daybreak.
Aussie next top model announced wrong winner, woops!
Walk to school.
Spit rain, feels like someone sneezing in your face.
Ew. Hate the weather.
Good music though.
Oh! George in a hat, how adorable.
Walk to school.
Discuss spit rain.
Jig in rain.
Get a wet foot.
In school.
First was free.
Lots of computer skipping.
Chatted to Maisie about concerns of life matters.
Got nothing done.
Tutor time.
Felt alienated from old friends.
Minor dampned my day.
Next was bio.
Difficult stuff.
Look forward to Friday study session with lover.
Then Psychology.
Roffe.
Wrote an essay.
It was fine.
Read book.
Realised essay was missing key points.
Too late.
Lunch.
Lost appetite.
Half a sandwich.
Packet of crisps.
Chunk of chocolate.
Compliment Draganas shoes.
Then to English.
Reconnected with bessy Bekah.
Realised I have huge hole in shoe, hence the wet foot.
Then Philosophy.
Wrote another essay.
Essay was fine.
Found double of Bertha online.
Pondered learning Japanese.
Out of lesson early.
Primp.
Wait for lover.
Yay Joey! Big hug.
Out of school.
Shit rain, spit rain, ew rain.
Bus home was interesting....
Conversations about boobs again.
Moaned about Josh H.
Walked home, Ew Rain.
George in a hat, how adorable.
Home.
Wet foot.
Throw shoes in bin.
Tea.
Anime - bleach. Awesome.
Get an indian, sisters last night!
Watch inbetweeners. Meh.
Blog.
Shower.
Hairdry.
Dressed.
Sit ups.
Bed.

My Day - Episode Thirty Five

Aren't you lucky, I'm blogging. :)

This morning I was in an alright mood, pretty chilled. I've gone off food again. I got through phases of "OHMYGODIMMAEATEVERYTHINGINTHEHOUSE" and "Pweesedon'tmakemeeat.:(" I'm in the latter. Mainly because I have put on MORE weight. I'm pushing nine stone now. Nine. I was at under eight mere weeks ago people. Weeks. Urgh

So this morning I rustled up some eggy bread instead of eating pizza for brekky. Then trundled off for school. Boring clothes today, couldn't be bothered. As soon as I got on the bus I wished I'd made an effort with something. Make up, clothes, hair, anything! Because Bertha was there. (Calling her Bertha because she deserves a shit name and not the nice one she's got.) Bertha was dressed to the nines, whatever that means. Heels, off the shoulder soft pink cashmere sweater, eyelashes perfect and hair just wavy enough. Urgh. What a shit start.

She then proceeded to annoy me on the bus because usually I get to talk to Josh and she took over, likening motorbikes to orgasms and talking about wanking all the while pouting her lips and applying tinted lipgloss every fucking minute. She really gets on my nerves, in case you haven't realised. So then we get off the bus, I'm in a bad mood. Then Joe is feeling weird, dicky tummy and a concussion. Naturally this has me feeling really worried but mixed with my remanents of annoyed, it wasn't a happy feeling.

So I end up getting frustrated at him because I try and vent general frustrations, he takes it personally and gets all defensive like I'm being mean to him. Then I'm like "ARGH wtf that is not what I meant!" and we get snappy. Typical case of Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. I get into special assembly, sit with Chris. Have to compete with Lauren for his attention, he almost breaks my finger in a play fight. Again, I'm not happy.

Get into English, boring boring boring. I forgot my tutorial by half an hour (there is no excuse for half an hours lateness btw.) Then to tutor time, I feel like a complete outsider to my once best friends. Off to philosophy where we talk about the Pope. I don't care about the Pope! It's an old man in a dress to me, go away. I spend the whole lesson worrying if Joe will remember to fetch me for lunch and imagining various completely embarassing situations and how much I would cry.

I come out and guess what? Joey's there, still looking completely dazed and pale as a ghost, he remembered! I revelled in how lucky I am to have him and helped him limp to lunch. He perked up when he had some food and lunch was delish. Then I had two frees! The afternoon was definately looking up.

In the first free with everyone I finally got Maisies present finished. I'm so looking forward to giving it to her, it's like the best idea for a present I've had ever. :D Then in the next free I just sat chatting, highlighting bits of my Psych which I find kind of interesting. Now for the bus home. Urgh.

Bertha was sat in the back corner, best spot (Reese's spot usually) and Josh had parked up next to her. "She had smarties! But then it turned out she didn't..." Yeah right that was the reason. I can see you salivating you dirty creep. *Mumble Mumble* I just turned on my music and tuned out from the world. Couldn't find a song to suit my mood so that was frustrating.

Walking home was alright. We have a funny situation at the minute. Me and George both have a friend which we like...in small doses. And they only speak to us when we walk home past the shops. Unfortunately I had to get mints so we had to put up with them. Me and Liz mainly bitched about Bertha, she had no idea who she was so I was just giving my honest opinion. :D

Oh and if people are wondering why I don't like her so much, I shall try and explain. I always need someone to hate. Always. It's focusing and when your frustrated it's nice to have a scapegoat. Bad for her but she was bugging me just at the point when I finally got revenge on the one I hated, so I needed a new one. And who better than Bertha? *Sigh*

I feel ill. Mum made me eat. *Cries*

My Day - Episode Thirty Four

Best day in a long time.

Walk with my gorgeous love.
Got my English 2nd draft done.
Complete psych work within time.
Got my Bio 1st draft done.
And there has been karmic realignment: Justice.

I'm V happy, I feel like I'm on a spiral upwards.
If only I didn't have that niggling feeling that something awful is on the horizon

My Day - Episode Thirty Three

This morning was a pretty nice morning. I woke up really refreshed, checked to see that my computer had stopped running a four hour virus scan (it had) and then hustled to get ready for school.
I managed to cook myself a breakfast and make myself lunch today and still had time to sit about watching Daybreak (the new GMTV, it's super happy and really Australiany, they had a really similar one there *Read lot's of shots of the sun coming up)

So that was that, set out for school, made good time, had a nice chat with Josh on the bus. (Giving up on codenames because I purely can't remember...) Then I walked into school. Joe was behind me poking my head, seemingly in good spirits so I perked up. Then he was like really distant for a few minutes and in those seconds I spiralled down to "I'm a shit person, Why would I do that to someone I loved? He's thinking about it too, I knew that telling him I was thinking about it would make him think about it. He hates me. He hates what I did, what I might do. He totally thinks I'm capable of doing it again." So I became close to tears by the time we reached his locker. Then I luckily realised I was being a bit ridiculous and went back to normal.

First lesson was a structured study and I finally got Friday open day at Nottingham sorted with Aimee. Luckily we can make all the talks in good time and still have meandering time. Is that my pizza? ... No it's the neighbour. So anyways, the only problem we might have is getting lost or me totally not knowing the way to the station. Don't laugh, I fall asleep in cars and have never walked there - I am clueless.

Then it was Biology, this was  nice. Me and Joe had a conversation about kids names and I like Tyler, Elliot, Amelie and Amelia. He likes Andrew. That's about all he contributed. For a laugh I said we would have one girl called Anna-marie (He hates double barrelled) and two twin boys called Atlas and Titan. XD
After Bio was Psych, reasonably interesting but was my first dose of the Roffe so I was kind of trying to not pay attention or I would tire of him in the second dose. Can't remember what me and Jess talked about. We discussed...Oh! We sat with Jack and discussed various party things and funny stories. Apparently one of his cousins spend the day introducing himself by going "Hi, I don't want to sleep with you."

Then it was English, mostly boring. Working on computers. Got my draft back. AAAAAARRRGGGGHHH THERES SO MANY EDITS I WANT TO DIE was my reaction. Literally the whole editing bar down the side is full. FULL. I'm meant to be doing that now but I decided that I should procrastinate and get rid of all my chores first. :) and then order pizza. Which still hasn't arrived.

After English Language was Philosophy. He set us of with a conundrum of how God is a verb like tie. He compared it to something that made no sense. Yeah, conundrum. I swear he's fucking with us most of the time. "God is like... spandex pants.." He didn't say that, I kid. So we went on computers to write an essay. An essay I thought was pathetically stupid because the answer in short is "No."
I got a headache from sitting in the library and all the year 12's and 7's were there and they for some reason were all talking like in the lunch hall. I mean wtf, it's a library. STFU!

...Car?...Pizza..? Urgh it's someone leaving. Fuck you, I'm hungry.

So got on the bus was feeling alright, listened to some music, got more depressed. Spoke to Josh, he brought me back to life. Got off bus, accidentily kicked Otibix. (Otis) who is surprisingly gentlemenly. Walked home with George and discussed life, he perks up my day. He's so awesome, he's going to grow up looking really sweet and adorable and just be the nicest guy! I can't wait to see him as an adult. Hope I keep in contacto with him.

Got home, life as usual. Watched tevo with the fam, fam went pub. I ordered pizza. I wait for pizza... Still nothing. I'm going to actually do some coursework now so CIAO! <3