Emotions

I'm worn down. I'm all out of energy to feel anything anymore. I've had a stressful time recently and I am out of aces completely. I coped, I managed and dealt with it all accordingly. Now all I want to do is break down and hold a burning stick to my arm. (I won't so don't ring me late at night like "WHATDAFUCKB!" because I will bite your head off.)

So today I watched three movies, two of which were total weepies. I cried at both, went through photo albums, cried some more, put a photo of my grandad on the wall, cried some more. And now guess what I want to do.
Cry?
Wrong. I want to talk. I would like to just talk but knowing me the crying would go hand in hand with that as I do all the time. But I don't know who to talk to. My old best friend has a new best friend and I feel like someones dropped frosted glass between us so we don't see each other right any more. My new best friend is busy and even if she wasn't, I'm not sure I could explain what's going on in my head to her.
My beautiful beau is with her and he's just so infatuated and sensitive if I told him half my worries he'd collapse, thinking it's his fault when it's not.

Recently I've had to deal with a huge argument with C step mum and swallowing my pride to cope.
My dad went on holiday without me.
My mum went on holiday without me.
My boyfriend went on holiday without me.
My sister lived at my dads without me.
I got told off for disobeying my mums wishes whilst she was gone.
Now my mum is engaged and I don't know how to react.
Arguments has reared it's ugly head in my relationship and doubt clouds the honeymoon feelings.
And the icing on the cake? My grandad has cancer. Apparently for the second time. I wasn't told, I only found out when my Grandad himself mentioned chemo.

I'm so upset and nothing will help.

Holiday Week One Update

Family
First cause it's gonna being the biggest probably. Best news! Mum and N are engaged! YYYAAYY He will officially become part of the family after like 9 years. Worst news... I had a huge argument with C that lasted about two days and it's shattered my trust and friendship in her. I can't really forgive her for the stuff she's said and I see nothing to apologise for, so it's a brush it under the rug situation. I can grin and bear it. Mum had a go at me today because I disobeyed her rules and had guys sleep over when she was on holiday so now I'm now allowed to stay in the house alone when they next go on holiday as a punishment. Tbh, that's not very bad, I can live with that.

Friends
All is awesome and well, seeing everyone regularly, sharing problems with everyone and feeling pretty darn secure.

Love
Super happy and super worrying. Arguments and petty squabbles seem to happen more often than I would like and I've come to realise that I'm not myself with them, I act more childish and stupid to make them want to love me and protect me more. Don't know what will happen here, tis early.

Soul
It's taken too much trauma recently and I feel weaker and like I need some sort of anchor in these times. I've had huge arguments and real upset as well as some really good news and happiness. The rollercoaster is making me sick.

My Day - Episode Thirty Two

Woke up today at Dad's house by the noise of the dog howling which is totally rare. So I went downstairs to find my living room especially crowded as The Wrinklies were over. (Thats the grandparents on my dads for people who are unaware of this cute petname)
So we had some delightful chatter and a rather depressing realisation that (BBEEPPP). Then dada went off to some diving shop and C was off to work so it was me and the Sis in the house.
Sissy wanted to go get C some flowers as a thankyou for trying to find work so we nipped to the shops and got some pasties and mints. It was nice to be out but I had a premonition of a killer headache so I wrapped myself up in movies for about 5 hours. By then I had a fully fledged OWMYFOOKINGHEADache. So I downed some paracetamol (Which did nothing) and lots of water, thinking it was probably down to being dehydrated.
It was so within two glasses of water and a walk around the block (which I love and really should do more often) I was fine again.
Apart from being depressed.

See last time I was here at dads I had Him sleep over but the huge calamity lead to C thinking we were 'up to things' when we totally weren't and I felt completely betrayed because I thought she had trust and understood me. She also blamed us for her not getting any sleep even though she went to bed at like 1 when we went at 11 and I only got up once because I had a nightmare.

So anyways I'm bummedout because I know now that even after two years of maturing and totally respecting every stupid rule to do with boys they threw at me AND completely getting a new boyfriend - they have NO trust in me and my word at all.

Also Him is in Germany and I'm pining, walking around the house looking glum because there is no-one to surprise piggy-back on and kiss my elbows when I smack against the doorframe. Two very important roles for a boyfriend of course....

My Day - Episode Thirty One

So I was totally on my own today and I have done pretty little apart from slob completely. So I woke up at about nine having rested for about 12 hours. Read until I finished "The complete guide to guys - Dave Barry" which by the way was amazingly insightful. P.s It's a thin book, you guys don't think much... There isn't much to make a guide about. Did you know there is a type of slug that's sexual bits are so big they get stuck together? To get out they take turns to knaw the penis off. 

I digress. So after I finished my book I went and ate noodles out of the saucepan I made them in. (Living alone was making me gross) So after watching countless episodes of Priviledged, Americas Got Talent and a few Big Bang Theory I hoovered and dusted and put a wash on. Then I decided to go on a crazy get fit thing and went on the exercise for over an hour, burning off an amazing 500+ calories!! And I skipped lunch. Oh my god, I skipped lunch! :O I didn't realise that. I will get dinner in a mo. Promise. Mwah.

Then after my super binge of exercise I felt really constructive so I decided to update the Man Wall. Which is of course is a gorgeous wall full of semi-naked men in various poses. My favourite being the adorable Danny Young who is using an exploding bottle of champagne to cover his bits and looks ECSTATIC! It's pretty awesome. So I did that and I now total 15 lovely hunks, including two smackers from my calender. Then I made a me-montage. You know those ones that are in humanities, covered in things that mean something to that person? Yeah I made one. It took two hours of cutting and sticking and I finally have something gorgeous to stick on the side of my drawers (I have officially ran out of decorative wall space).

On my walls there is
15 naked men
16 gorgeous fans
1 Mouline Rouge poster
27 Memory pictures in a montage fashion
1 pinboard full of notes
1 chalkboard for more notes
1 pressed rose
1 mirror
1 hunks calendar
and 1 picture of the whole of year eleven.

So yay! I like full walls, gives me something to stare at no matter what way I'm facing. Although I fear one day all of these eyes staring at me from all angles will give me nightmares. For now, it rocks.

So now I'm off to go and make myself some dinner although I really just want to order pizza... You know what? Maybe I will.

Okay so I suck at privacy

I was going to be completely private, stopping blogging but I'm kind of just going to censor a little, stuff that will only cause problems if I blog about them.

So on Friday I had a pizza party with all of my beloved krewe buds. It rocked! Pizza was awesome, I had meteor and meat lovers and oh my god I'm actually replacing my fav pepperoni with meteor. It's so meaty and with BARBECUE sauce!!! Le gasp it's an orgasmipizza. Yes, that's a word.
And we played on EyeToy. Remember that shiz! You set up the camera and you are the controls! It detects any movements and you play games. Everyone was particularly amused by my boob-tomato-mashing. That's me mashing tomatos with my hunni's, not squishing the two of them. XD

So then it started as an evening thing and then everyone slept over which was hectic but nice. Since no-body planned to sleep over we had very little blankets so people were sleeping in slankets and under a huge duvet and just anything available and still we had people out in the cold. Everyone was a little hyper off pizza and coke but I think I actually got a decent amount of sleep. (Or at least I thought I had until about 1 O'clock in the avo after and I could barely keep my eyes open.)

The next morning I took on the epic task of cooking a fry up for seven people with very little food. (2 eggs, a bad of sausages, 3 rashers of bacon, chips and quarter a tin of beans.) Still, it all worked out and all were fed and content by eleven when a few left and finally the house was clean by 12.

I then went back to Him's house and we had an amazing few hours, even if I snoozed for one of them. It was bitter sweet because although we finally had some time together it was the last time together for a week. He's off to germany for a week and there will be probably very little contact.

Okay I'm watching America's Got Talent, like a cool kid, and I just saw these dancers who actually blew my mind, I was agast! Watch them and Enjoy :)

PIZZA PARTY!

Woot woot! Pizza party for awwwlllll of the core Krewe today. Way looking forward to it. <3

The Privacy of Thought

I've always been a public person, my thoughts and past and all the shit that goes on in the noggin has been very much public. This always felt normal and completely second nature to me, I barely thought twice about it.

Now, I'm starting to rethink. I can still be who I am even if I don't advertise everything online, or tell every single person every single problem. I think I'm going to try that whole privacy thing. I mean, something major happened with my dad and stepmum and I didn't advertise that, and it sort of helped. Not having to relay it to every single person made it dissapear faster and I could just get on with things.

So I'm sorry to say it but the blog fasting will continue. I'm happy though and really having an awesome time! So no worries, this is just me becoming normal instead of advertising life. :)

My Day - Episode Thirty

So this morning I woke up with absolutely no desire to do anything but sleep. Getting dressed was a complete faff as usual, wasn't sure about how I looked in a certain skirt and have nothing that matches so was v worried about wearing it. Decided to go for it and just fuck it if I looked shite.

At school on the bus I was amazed by my mp3 players battery, it was on nothing for the whole journey there and back. Then I got to school and Pants scared the crap out of me popping out of mid air. I realised that Cheshire had my stuff so I went and searched her locker but she wasn't in for the morning and then waited for the boyf. He looked like a golfer today, it was adorable. Blah blah morning stuff.
In Psych we realise the exam was much easier than we expected. Me and Darling One had a catch up, swapped advice for life and whatnot. Then I had English was was a bit crap cause there was an argument and coursework but me and ...oh she has no blog name. ACK Erm...Lashes cause hers are all long and purdy anyways, we had a laugh.

Then it was a free in which I was enjoying a bit. I feel like everyone around me is worried about me though and although I think it's grounded suspicious, I can't put my finger on what is wrong with me. I think just a lot of shit things have happened to me recently and it's not fun. In the hols I might cheer up. Or when I have the house to myself next week cause the familia are out.

In fourth it was biology and I felt stupid at first and frustrated but I felt better at the end because I could grasp it much easier and I got a choccy prize for being really good. ^ ^
In fifth I wrote an essay, finished it early in true Philosophy lesson fashion and we still have one more lesson to go. Discussed poetry with sir at the end which was really sweet. He clapped me lol.

Then going out of that lesson I saw the year 10s I teach and they were taking a chair for a walk.... Random. And they all were like "Isn't that the one you fancy?" to the big ginger guy. How sweet. I'll dress nice tomorrow especially. Then TallBlondBoy was walking behind me and he smacked his folder right against my bum so I looked at him like wtf? and he was like "Sorry...uh. I didn't mean to...sorry" and then he high fived a kid apparently he didn't even know.

Walking out was fine. Bus journey was fine. Walking home was cute. Me and Owl Boy were just taking the mick out of each other and writing sick fairy tale stories about peeps. Got home, Mum was in a massive mood but luckily she went out. Now I'm trying to fix my goddarn mp3 player. Which isn't compatible with netbook apparently, oh well. :) I COULD USE PROPER COMP! Duh. Ciao now. :D