Emotions

I'm worn down. I'm all out of energy to feel anything anymore. I've had a stressful time recently and I am out of aces completely. I coped, I managed and dealt with it all accordingly. Now all I want to do is break down and hold a burning stick to my arm. (I won't so don't ring me late at night like "WHATDAFUCKB!" because I will bite your head off.)

So today I watched three movies, two of which were total weepies. I cried at both, went through photo albums, cried some more, put a photo of my grandad on the wall, cried some more. And now guess what I want to do.
Cry?
Wrong. I want to talk. I would like to just talk but knowing me the crying would go hand in hand with that as I do all the time. But I don't know who to talk to. My old best friend has a new best friend and I feel like someones dropped frosted glass between us so we don't see each other right any more. My new best friend is busy and even if she wasn't, I'm not sure I could explain what's going on in my head to her.
My beautiful beau is with her and he's just so infatuated and sensitive if I told him half my worries he'd collapse, thinking it's his fault when it's not.

Recently I've had to deal with a huge argument with C step mum and swallowing my pride to cope.
My dad went on holiday without me.
My mum went on holiday without me.
My boyfriend went on holiday without me.
My sister lived at my dads without me.
I got told off for disobeying my mums wishes whilst she was gone.
Now my mum is engaged and I don't know how to react.
Arguments has reared it's ugly head in my relationship and doubt clouds the honeymoon feelings.
And the icing on the cake? My grandad has cancer. Apparently for the second time. I wasn't told, I only found out when my Grandad himself mentioned chemo.

I'm so upset and nothing will help.

Revelations

Okay, I will admit I was not totally honest with you over the past few days. I wasn't lying, I just didn't tell y'all what's been going on. XD

Well, recently I've filled my hours with revision, sitting in the sun, eating oreogasms and wondering about life. And I have come to one solid conclusion. I really like my life just how it is. I don't want a new partner, I don't want a new school, I wouldn't accept different friends and I love my family just as the nutjobs they are.

OH MY GOD
THERE ARE HANDS GRABBING ON TO THE FENCE AND CHILDREN LOOKING OVER. IT'S THE MEXICAN CHILD.
And he has back up. O.O
"I am trying to be philosophical here!!"
"AIII AIIIIIII"

Back to reality. I've been feeling stuck in reverie, self reflecting and pits of swirling self-analysis and it's really bugging me. I feel like a horrible person when I say things but can't stop them coming out, I'm slacking on revision though I want amazing grades. Urgh. I'm happy with everything in life except BUG ON MY ARM...except me. :(
Cheer me up buttercup?

A mixed bag

My life right now is a total mixed bag. It's like a pack of revels. Mostly crappy ones (I hate revels).

THE GREATS
Boyfriend is awesome. Friends are awesome, if depressed. My blog is awesome, singular 'cause I ran out of ideas for the other one a long time ago and people judge me and get grossed out by it, great - not. Sorry, I'm moving on to bad already.

THE SHITS
Friends are depressed and I feel helpless, no matter how many minutes or little gestures I dedicate to them to make them happy I still feel upset as they suffer, damn sympathy! I feel like a bad person for shoving Him away in order to revise or spend time with needing mates. Also I get annoyed when people tell me that I am only ever one of two, I am not a sock - I can stand alone. I'm angry at a certain obvious someone for still be alive, happy and rubbing his success at living in a lie right in my face. I am angry that people don't care about this, but then get too touched and upset when they do try and care- to talk about it would be to admit my failure and stupidity. I'm nervous to shit about exams, literally they are scaring me more every waking second. Not to mention this illness makes it hard to concentrate, I cannot breathe, I cannot swallow, I cannot think in straight lines - how am I meant to fly through exams when my brain can't get air!?



Cannot write any more for this blog or I will cry after realise how little happiness there is present right now.

Back on Track

Mainly there are two things back on track.

1. My school work. As you know this really gets me down when I get a bad grade. So to make up for it I've been taking all the bad grades, rewriting and throwing them back at teachers and demanding a remark. This makes me feel better in the mean time. I also got an A in my English coursework which is a big whoop for me. :)

2. My emotions. I was feeling a rollercoaster, with one minute I'd be on top of the world and the next in the pits of despair. Himmelhoch jauchzend und zum tode betrübt. Up one minute and down the next. Now I feel generally up apart from a few hiccups to do with Him. He's so easy to offend, I feel I have to be wary.

But all is getting better. Touch wood.

My Day - Episode Twenty Four

Right, I haven't done one of these for ages because I became really worried that my days are actually boring as hell. But this weekend was reasonably eventful so I'll do a two day - my day coverage for you.

Friday day I had a really awesome day, my bus journeys get better and better as I familiarise myself with everyone and get comfortable. We've been having a lot of fun recently playing our version of yellow car which is yellow-green-car-slut-oldman. Trust me, it's way more fun. I may introduce a rule where you have to tickle if you see a smart car.
So I got in from school, radio blaring, dancing whilst packing to go to my dads. As soon as I got in the car my mood plummeted, my dad was bitching and whining for the whole car journey and refused me having friends over for the Saturday. Not to mention I was plagued with the feeling I had forgotten something vitally important.

So when I got in and then I had another tiff with Dad and I went upstairs, on the verge of tears. I searched for my phone to try and text Him to cheer me up. Only it wasn't there. Or anywhere, I had totally forgotten it. So naturally, I broke down feeling cut off from the world (the internet was also spazzing out) and cried for a while. Eventually I had to show my face and soon Dad and his Girlf caught on and cheered me up with tea and words of courage.

I slept well and in the morning I was feeling a heck of a lot better. It was the weekend officially I wanted to cheer up - a clean slate. I was even boring myself with my soaring emotions and rollercoaster of moods. So I spent the day with Him. It was amazing and a bit daunting in a way. Amazing because I was totally at ease, playing and laughing with Him. I can't even remember what we were laughing about (Donkey balls...something like that) but it was so funny he had coke coming out of orifices it shouldn't.

Then he left and I played on the Wii for a while and then read New Moon (I finished Twilight for the third time now). Saturday night I spent bonding with Dad's girlf until one in the morning which was awesome. Then today I went shopping with her and gave her my student discounts and she treated me to a new top. I practically paid for it myself in the dicounts I got her, awesomesauce.

So now I should be feeling a lot better, but only if my grades improve.

OH WAIT. I forgot to mention why hanging with Him was daunting. Right, we had our first 'us' talk. We had to discuss what might happen when we get to Uni. It's complicated because I can't predict how I will feel then, I only know what's happening right here, right now. And that might change. So hey, we're gonna take it how it comes. :)

That's really it now. Ciao! :D

Stress

Currently in Psychology we are doing stress and it's various effects. Needless to say, it made me evaluate just how stressed I am and it turned out to be a lot more than I expected. Little things got on top of me recently and I just broke down, tears and all. To top it off I really burnt my face and this literally has made me freak out.

One big fear that I have is that my looks will be ruined. I'm not saying like "Oh my god if I got a bad haircut I would DIE!" I mean if I was caught in an accident or something and ended up disfigured, I know that it would change me forever and I don't want that to happen. So I'm usually pretty careful with hot things around my face and now I have a huge brown mark on my cheek and no idea how long it will last. So that's a bummer, but I'm attempting to look on the bright side.

Hopefully this weekend should make me happier but I'm really nervous about it because it's just not quite organised to perfection and I worry when it's not. Ah well... life goes on I suppose.

Pile of Steaming...

Crap. It's how I feel. Utter shite. Little hints and messages from people literalyl make me feel shite. Also I did really badly in Biog recently, probably resulting in a less than perfect grade which gets me abnormally upset. And Owl Boy was upset and wouldn't tell me why, I'm guessing because it was me who did it.

Only highlight of my day was something that is like strictly forbidden. So I feel guilty. And Shit.

P.s Listen to this song.

Hate

There was a rather overdramatised drama including me recently, I shall elaborate.

I had a barbecue and was aware that a few people wouldn't be able to make it as they were visiting family or had other plans. One of those people was Curltop. I was under the impression he was off visiting family or something and had accepted that.
When he rang Marshal at the barbecue and said that he needed to meet up, I was a little confused, but chalked it down the fact that he must have gone earlier and got home already. I got annoyed because when suggested he should come to the barbecue he said "I don't want to come to the fucking barbecue." (This has all been said before, repeating so this post makes sense) but okay, I was only a little annoyed - he had done this before after all.

So then when I got into school and he says that he was actually home all day and actually he just 'couldn't be bothered' to come I really got annoyed. I had taken time out of my day to organise it, and it was all his friends there - so why not come? So fears that he may hate me rose up again. Then at the lockers the next day P.Diddy tells me that yes, he does hate me. And also he has the impression that I hate him. WHAT? I do not hate him, I'm too busy trying to get him to like me or fight for his goddamn approval which I have never seemed to gain. So I asked Fungi to have a word and went home and cried, like I do.

Then the next day I was told that apparently he only hates me because he thinks I hate him.
1. I don't hate him.
2. What would that achieve? "You hate me? Okay, I hate you" Yeah, that fixes a friendship.
3. Why has he not spoken to me about this, in fact, not spoken to me at all in the past week?
So I confronted him. Upset, angry, confused. I wasn't the nicest person about it I will admit.
Then Cheshire says "Oh you could have been nicer about that" and Goldilocks says "Oh, you should just apologise." Why can nobody see that I am not in the wrong here?
You cannot say that if you thought a so called friend had the impression you hated them, and therefore hated you back, you would not be a nice person about it!

Gees. Rant over people.