Compliments

I have had the two most constrasting compliments today.

"You are the sweetest and most amzing girlfriend ever!"

"Nah she's a dark horse. You, are you dirty?"
"In what way..?"
"Sexually."
"Maybe..."
"I bet you are. I can see you in a porno. I've got a stiffy."

Told you they were contrasting. I don't even know if the second one was a compliment but I'm taking it that way. XD

What I hate

There are a few things that I hate right now. One of them is just this big past event that is following me around like a huge suffocating black cloud. It was a mega mistake and I'm currently spending every waking moment wishing I had taken a different route. It's really getting to me, I can't even see this one person without biting my lip so hard just to avoid crying like a douche.

I hate these moods, where I feel so helpless to emotions that don't even make sense. One minute I'll be rolling around in happiness like a pig in poo. The next moment I feel like I'm in poo and just suddenly feel isolated and depressed.

I hate that the Krewe has grown. I've always like intimate groups of friends but now we have a few tagalongs that I wish we could like just shake off and have some proper Krewe time like the good old days. Let's face it, I'm pretty antisocial. I've always hated crowds, groups, parties and gatherings of more than a few people and up until a major fallout with Darling One a year ago, I only ever had like 3 good friends. Everybody else didn't like me. It was a black and white thing, either or love or hate, there was no inbetween. Now I have loads of people in my white, who I adore, billions (Exagguration) in my grey and a good handful in the deepest pits of black.

I hate my skin. I hate being a teenager with raging hormones that decide to make my forehead once again slip into a minefield of gross open pores and spots. I want to hide in a room with only facial treatments for company right now.

I hate my thighs. One, because they hurt like shit. And Two, because they hurt like shit because I hate them and got a little bit too motivated to change that fact. Madness.

But anyways, enough of that shite. Sorry for the depression, just not feeling too great. Hugs, tissues and someone to trust would be of great use right now.

Scars

The ex-boyf did a post admitting to something that is pretty big and I guess sort of a secret, so I wanted to beat it!

The picture on the right is of my left hand. As you might notice there is a very fetching cross in red almost in the middle. I know, it's slightly off centre, bugs the hell out of me.

I got it when I was fourteen, maybe fifteen, my memory is shite to say the least. Funny story really.

I was dating a guy, it was about 8 months into our relationship, although admittedly we did take a break at the three month mark. We were having problems, I was obsessed with trying to make him happy but making him happy would make me miserable and then he wouldn't even give me credit and would accuse me of not loving him. It was a vicious circle resulting in my unhappiness, many arguments and eventually self harm.

 We were arguing once again over msn this time, we always spoke with the webcams on. I had candles on to try and calm me. I had a wooden chopstick and was messing about with the wax as I was talking to him. We were arguing about something stupid again and he was convinced I didn't care about him. I got into a bit of a wacky state and set the wooden chopstick on fire and started being completely psycho saying "I'm doing this to prove I care about you!" and I blew out the flame but left it red hot and press it against the back of my hand, bang in the middle. He went silent and I just carried on until I have five red holes in my hand and he was in tears as he thought it was his fault. Sort of was. Maybe it was just my crazy depression, my diary entries are not exactly cheery from that time.

My mum found out about it when we were doing an exercise dvd and she wasn't best pleased but there wasn't much she could do.

Me and that boyfriend broke up about a month later and my hand is merely a cluster of kind of cool looking scars. Don't worry, I'm not crazy depressive anymore.

The Real BlogPost

I will admit, the stealing of the quiz was lazy! I just haven't done a quiz in ages so if you don't read it, I really don't care. I'm going to give you a rundown of my life in the form I usually do for my diary entires.

Love
Well boyfriend is once again perfect. He kissed my hair and forehead today. I feel so wonderfully taken care of. He makes my life stress free. When I didn't have my bus pass he just shushed me, took me in his arms and took care of it. - Perfection.
Had a nice dream a couple of nights ago where basically me and boyfriend got married and went on our honeymoon, it was wonderfully exotic and gorgeously luxurious! I was wearing an off the shoulder white dress which was very simplistic but such a figure hugger, my waist was tiny!
It will admit to have a little wandering eye but it's only showing appreciation for the beautiful male form and whatnot, nothing personal with anyone.
The whole 'dick' incident has passed. I no longer care if anyone believes me or even knows about it, it's on his shoulders now. I just pray he trips every time he walks by, or at least stumbles. Please God?

Family
Sister is panicking over university interviews, she takes priority in family at this stage, I'm good to take a back seat after my whole "Her relationship is SERIOUS" family crisis thing.
Step-dad-thing N is dieting, he's on the lighetlife so he's living off soups. Bless, he got so excited when he was allowed these bars that I wouldn't even give a dog.
Mum is taking happiness on blaming all her mood swings and odd rambles on being pre-menopausal. Thanks mum, I really needed that.

Health
Keep forgetting to take vitamins, there goes my new years resolution number one. Have finally booked opticians and pill consultation with nurse for Friday. No doubt I will get pre-stressful moment sickness. Fear I may need unnatractive glasses. I cannot pull off 'sexy secutary' look. It comes out as 'Is she Velma from scooby doo?'/

Friends
I recently had a heart to heart with fellow Girl Guide, she told me what she'd been hiding from me (sneaky cow, love her!) and I told her I felt pushed out of the little group and felt it was dejavu of when we last fell out. We had emotional hug and she cooled my neck with her ice hands, see she's even useful. Curltop, can't remember what I called him after he cut his hair, is being mean and my self esteem plummeted momentarily feeling like a short fat blob. Got to love male friendly joking....not.

Self-Esteem
Pretty darn high. Painting my nails and having regular lie-ins are making me happier. Not mention throw off comments like "You have such a nice fashion sense" and "Your hair is always in nice condition" are just wiggling their way into my psyche. Love it!