Well people this is it, a brand new chapter. No more are the days of a half past six start for the dreaded monotony of school! Now it's chilled long mornings in the sunshine, days of lounging watching movied with friends and loverboyJose and evenings spent giggling the nights away with semi-drunk middle aged men in the pub.
Home
Home is so chilled. I get up when I feel like it. Usually after nine or ten since I don't get to bed till 12 most working nights. Then I get some form of tastytoast and sit out in the sunshine for an hour or so working on my tan and catching up with the news by the radio.
Nigel gets home in the early afternoon and mum joins him at about 5 when I'm getting ready for a shift at 6. Soon they'll be going away on holiday and I've been given a one-time pass to have Joe stay over for the night when they are gone! Then Rachael's coming home soon so the house will be filled with her laughter once again. AKA I will hear random bursts of BWAHAHA at half two in the morning.
Work
I'm so sad! I finally broke my first glass today! I was cleaning and a magners glass on the other side got dislodged and lept off, shattering. Still I hold the longest no-smash record since I went a good 5 weeks without anything. Then when I was bottling up, carrying two baskets of filled bottles through, my shoe got caught and I had a heart stopping moment when my foot came out of my shoe, I dropped both baskets, one bottle smashed and I fell bare-foot onto it. Luckily I wasn't cut on the bottom of my foot - just a few scratches on my ankle that are barely there. Still, It was absolutely frightening. Bianca the waitress found me on my knees wiping up spilt coke and was sympathetic. Usually people only drop the one but waitresses often have a tumbling tray which is far more terrifying so she understood bless her.
Work has been generally quite predictable. Slow on Friday, Busy Saturday and stone-cold-dead on Sunday. Next shift is tuesday evening and should be a breeze.
Away
Lots of stuff coming up! Leachy's birthday party tonight where I'll be rocking down with the usual guys. Then Tuesday daytime I'm invited to Preet's Funeral/Leaving Party. At last. Bless her, she forgot that she hadn't invited me and then felt bad. Sweetie. Wednesday Joe's meeting me from work to then keep me company during the night since my rents are gone! Then thursday It's the official pub quiz night which I hope everyone can make it to. Friday my sister is home and I get a brand new laptop and I'm probably working the whole weekend. Oh and since I'm doing around 30 hours this week I'll be getting near on 150 pounds in my next pay check.SQUEAL I've never felt so flush. My savings account is plumping up nicely.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, 27 June 2011
Monday, 2 May 2011
My Life - Episode Two
Family
I had a really nice time with Rachael back in the house, she definately fills a heck of a lot of silence. Now that she's gone I really miss having her around and I kind of don't know how to reconnect with mum. Cause when Rach comes back, she bonds with her and I valiantly step aside to let her but then getting back is an issue a little. It'll be okay.
Friends
Was good, then it kind of went to the trash. I found out that certain people were hiding things from me - nothing major - but enough to make me wonder why and then realise it was because I falsely thought we were close. My whole dynamic of friends has changed from that. I feel closer to some older friends and after helping out a few flailing ones, I've bonded with them too. It's been okay recently but I'm kind of getting the vibe people thing I'm a total bitch. Especially from the guys. I pray I'm imagining it.
Love
Currently, I don't really want to talk about it. :l
School
I can't help but feel stupid. I'm revising so much and I know that it's helping but I also know I have so far to go before I reach where I need to be for the grades I want. It's really tough right now.
Mind, Body, Soul
Well mind has recently been elsewhere. That's half good and half bad. Sometimes it will make me wander off during something important and have amazing dreams and daydreams. Mostly it's been working to my favourite as I find myself particularly focused during revision time.
Body, I hate at the minute. My post easter bloat is not stopping and I have officially hit the weight I've been edging towards with horror. Must finish chocolate in one huge binge and then get back on a swift exercise regime!
Soul is feeling a little put by the wayside. I haven't read any enriching books or listened to music recently which both usually chill me out and let me get in touch with myself. Perhaps I should make time. I'm too busy reading horror books at the minute which totally is not helping my rock bottom mood. Ah well.
I had a really nice time with Rachael back in the house, she definately fills a heck of a lot of silence. Now that she's gone I really miss having her around and I kind of don't know how to reconnect with mum. Cause when Rach comes back, she bonds with her and I valiantly step aside to let her but then getting back is an issue a little. It'll be okay.
Friends
Was good, then it kind of went to the trash. I found out that certain people were hiding things from me - nothing major - but enough to make me wonder why and then realise it was because I falsely thought we were close. My whole dynamic of friends has changed from that. I feel closer to some older friends and after helping out a few flailing ones, I've bonded with them too. It's been okay recently but I'm kind of getting the vibe people thing I'm a total bitch. Especially from the guys. I pray I'm imagining it.
Love
Currently, I don't really want to talk about it. :l
School
I can't help but feel stupid. I'm revising so much and I know that it's helping but I also know I have so far to go before I reach where I need to be for the grades I want. It's really tough right now.
Mind, Body, Soul
Well mind has recently been elsewhere. That's half good and half bad. Sometimes it will make me wander off during something important and have amazing dreams and daydreams. Mostly it's been working to my favourite as I find myself particularly focused during revision time.
Body, I hate at the minute. My post easter bloat is not stopping and I have officially hit the weight I've been edging towards with horror. Must finish chocolate in one huge binge and then get back on a swift exercise regime!
Soul is feeling a little put by the wayside. I haven't read any enriching books or listened to music recently which both usually chill me out and let me get in touch with myself. Perhaps I should make time. I'm too busy reading horror books at the minute which totally is not helping my rock bottom mood. Ah well.
Thursday, 24 March 2011
How to live life
A random advice for life thing I found online. I've commented in italics on some a la hutchy stylee.
HEALTH:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is
manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to meditate.
6. (Breathe)
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is
manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to meditate.
6. (Breathe)
7. Read more books than you did.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
PERSONALITY:
11. Comparing our lives to others is fruitless. We have no idea what their journey is about.
12. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones especially about things out of our control. Invest energy in the positive present moment.
13. Try not to over do. Understand limits.
14. Why take ourselves so seriously. No one else does.
15. Gossip drains precious energy.
16. Dream more while we are awake. (Yes!!!)
17. Envy is a waste of time. We already have all we need. (I should remember this when on facebook profiles of gorgeous people)
18. Forget issues of the past. Let go of our partners mistakes of the past. Focus on our present/future happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (I took this one on recently, refreshing)
13. Try not to over do. Understand limits.
14. Why take ourselves so seriously. No one else does.
15. Gossip drains precious energy.
16. Dream more while we are awake. (Yes!!!)
17. Envy is a waste of time. We already have all we need. (I should remember this when on facebook profiles of gorgeous people)
18. Forget issues of the past. Let go of our partners mistakes of the past. Focus on our present/future happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (I took this one on recently, refreshing)
20. Make peace with our past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of our happiness except us.
22. Realize that life is a school and we are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons we learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. We don’t have to win arguments. It’s ok to agree to disagree.
SOCIETY:21. No one is in charge of our happiness except us.
22. Realize that life is a school and we are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons we learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. We don’t have to win arguments. It’s ok to agree to disagree.
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything. (I totally don't agree with this. >.>)
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is insignificant compared to what you think of yourself.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends & family will. Stay in touch.
LIFE:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful. (This is possibly my favourite)
34. (Higher powers) heal everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how we feel, get up, dress up, and show up. (Totally agreed.)
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When we awake alive in the morning, be thankful.
39. Our Inner most is always happy. Release your “Inner Happy” on the world every day!
Sunday, 20 February 2011
My Life - Official Episode One
Okay I've done these kinds of posts before but I'm deciding to make them like the My Day posts only I go off on a more general rant.
Family
Relationship wise they are fine. But yesterday I got the news that my step-mum Carole has been admitted to hospital with Pneumonia. I spoke to my dad about it and he said it is a cause for worry, but not for praying and panic. She's going through treatment and will get better as long as she doesn't get another infection along with it. I feel kind of annoyed since she was taken into hospital on wednesday and I only heard about it on saturday, this stuff happens all the time. When grandad had cancer I wasn't told, I had to over hear to find out. When he had a stroke I only found out because dad told mum once they'd stopped argueing. I'm 18, I deserve to know about what is happening you know? I'm still shielded from what's happening with Lauren (my cousin whose in a psychiatric institution) and snippets of new information about my uncles attack are still only just coming out and that was years ago. It's frustrating because I want to be included althoguh I know they are only trying to protect me.
Friends
Shaky. I hate seeing people drunk which is what happened this weekend. I don't want to judge them and I don't judge them for getting drunk, if anything I judge myself more for not being drunk - I just can't trust myself to be. I feel like I'm cutting myself off from people and I apologise if you agree with me.Oh but thanks for the offers to rush me to Carole when I got the news, it meant a lot that even half-cut people were caring sill. <3
Love
Shaky. Massive concerns coming from one side. Although I feel totally secure and dedicated I know he's feeling doubtful about us going the distance. It's upsetting to hear. Plus we had a mega argument about drinking.
School
Terrified I'm not going to make the cut, that I'll fail philosophy (again) or that I won't have done enough. I'm afraid that I'll drown in expectations and failure.
Mind, Body, Soul
Right now, Soul is well nourished by some music I recently discovered. (Search The incredible machine on Spotify). Also my mum just brought me a cup of tea without being asked, bless her. But soul took a battering recently when I had a horrid shadowy memories. Literally I feel like this mistake I made is like a huge dark mark on my back - I don't usually see it but when I do it's like "Fuck!" and it takes yet another while to forget. Currently I haven't forgot but I'm stable. In a day or so I'll be back to normal. Mind is currently elsewhere, I just have so much to think and brood over recently. I'm not even sure if I want to share anymore and I am a serial over-sharer. Body is big but happy. I feel kind of flabby and know I could do a lot more to look a lot better but currently I don't have motivation - my boyfriend loves me this way and I've lost interesting in catching other boy's eyes. All the complements I'm getting recently on the hair and it's effect on me have been positive and so amazing. After spending time alone with Joe and his usual spattering of compliments (even the back handed ones) I feel lovely and fuzzy too.
Family
Relationship wise they are fine. But yesterday I got the news that my step-mum Carole has been admitted to hospital with Pneumonia. I spoke to my dad about it and he said it is a cause for worry, but not for praying and panic. She's going through treatment and will get better as long as she doesn't get another infection along with it. I feel kind of annoyed since she was taken into hospital on wednesday and I only heard about it on saturday, this stuff happens all the time. When grandad had cancer I wasn't told, I had to over hear to find out. When he had a stroke I only found out because dad told mum once they'd stopped argueing. I'm 18, I deserve to know about what is happening you know? I'm still shielded from what's happening with Lauren (my cousin whose in a psychiatric institution) and snippets of new information about my uncles attack are still only just coming out and that was years ago. It's frustrating because I want to be included althoguh I know they are only trying to protect me.
Friends
Shaky. I hate seeing people drunk which is what happened this weekend. I don't want to judge them and I don't judge them for getting drunk, if anything I judge myself more for not being drunk - I just can't trust myself to be. I feel like I'm cutting myself off from people and I apologise if you agree with me.Oh but thanks for the offers to rush me to Carole when I got the news, it meant a lot that even half-cut people were caring sill. <3
Love
Shaky. Massive concerns coming from one side. Although I feel totally secure and dedicated I know he's feeling doubtful about us going the distance. It's upsetting to hear. Plus we had a mega argument about drinking.
School
Terrified I'm not going to make the cut, that I'll fail philosophy (again) or that I won't have done enough. I'm afraid that I'll drown in expectations and failure.
Mind, Body, Soul
Right now, Soul is well nourished by some music I recently discovered. (Search The incredible machine on Spotify). Also my mum just brought me a cup of tea without being asked, bless her. But soul took a battering recently when I had a horrid shadowy memories. Literally I feel like this mistake I made is like a huge dark mark on my back - I don't usually see it but when I do it's like "Fuck!" and it takes yet another while to forget. Currently I haven't forgot but I'm stable. In a day or so I'll be back to normal. Mind is currently elsewhere, I just have so much to think and brood over recently. I'm not even sure if I want to share anymore and I am a serial over-sharer. Body is big but happy. I feel kind of flabby and know I could do a lot more to look a lot better but currently I don't have motivation - my boyfriend loves me this way and I've lost interesting in catching other boy's eyes. All the complements I'm getting recently on the hair and it's effect on me have been positive and so amazing. After spending time alone with Joe and his usual spattering of compliments (even the back handed ones) I feel lovely and fuzzy too.
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Holiday Week One Update
Family
First cause it's gonna being the biggest probably. Best news! Mum and N are engaged! YYYAAYY He will officially become part of the family after like 9 years. Worst news... I had a huge argument with C that lasted about two days and it's shattered my trust and friendship in her. I can't really forgive her for the stuff she's said and I see nothing to apologise for, so it's a brush it under the rug situation. I can grin and bear it. Mum had a go at me today because I disobeyed her rules and had guys sleep over when she was on holiday so now I'm now allowed to stay in the house alone when they next go on holiday as a punishment. Tbh, that's not very bad, I can live with that.
Friends
All is awesome and well, seeing everyone regularly, sharing problems with everyone and feeling pretty darn secure.
Love
Super happy and super worrying. Arguments and petty squabbles seem to happen more often than I would like and I've come to realise that I'm not myself with them, I act more childish and stupid to make them want to love me and protect me more. Don't know what will happen here, tis early.
Soul
It's taken too much trauma recently and I feel weaker and like I need some sort of anchor in these times. I've had huge arguments and real upset as well as some really good news and happiness. The rollercoaster is making me sick.
First cause it's gonna being the biggest probably. Best news! Mum and N are engaged! YYYAAYY He will officially become part of the family after like 9 years. Worst news... I had a huge argument with C that lasted about two days and it's shattered my trust and friendship in her. I can't really forgive her for the stuff she's said and I see nothing to apologise for, so it's a brush it under the rug situation. I can grin and bear it. Mum had a go at me today because I disobeyed her rules and had guys sleep over when she was on holiday so now I'm now allowed to stay in the house alone when they next go on holiday as a punishment. Tbh, that's not very bad, I can live with that.
Friends
All is awesome and well, seeing everyone regularly, sharing problems with everyone and feeling pretty darn secure.
Love
Super happy and super worrying. Arguments and petty squabbles seem to happen more often than I would like and I've come to realise that I'm not myself with them, I act more childish and stupid to make them want to love me and protect me more. Don't know what will happen here, tis early.
Soul
It's taken too much trauma recently and I feel weaker and like I need some sort of anchor in these times. I've had huge arguments and real upset as well as some really good news and happiness. The rollercoaster is making me sick.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
The Privacy of Thought
I've always been a public person, my thoughts and past and all the shit that goes on in the noggin has been very much public. This always felt normal and completely second nature to me, I barely thought twice about it.
Now, I'm starting to rethink. I can still be who I am even if I don't advertise everything online, or tell every single person every single problem. I think I'm going to try that whole privacy thing. I mean, something major happened with my dad and stepmum and I didn't advertise that, and it sort of helped. Not having to relay it to every single person made it dissapear faster and I could just get on with things.
So I'm sorry to say it but the blog fasting will continue. I'm happy though and really having an awesome time! So no worries, this is just me becoming normal instead of advertising life. :)
Now, I'm starting to rethink. I can still be who I am even if I don't advertise everything online, or tell every single person every single problem. I think I'm going to try that whole privacy thing. I mean, something major happened with my dad and stepmum and I didn't advertise that, and it sort of helped. Not having to relay it to every single person made it dissapear faster and I could just get on with things.
So I'm sorry to say it but the blog fasting will continue. I'm happy though and really having an awesome time! So no worries, this is just me becoming normal instead of advertising life. :)
Thursday, 10 June 2010
A Post Exam Update
Well, currently I am all free and lovely but previously I was not. Exams make me mean, cold, harsh and incredibly boring. I do apologise if I have bored anyone *Glare at Stagbitch*. Back to normal posts.
Friends
Well the majority of my friends are fine and I think it's going to get more stable from the shaky position it's been during exams. However I have recently lost one friend, he's not dead, just a dick. Marshal was just totally cutting and harsh for no apparant reason and he makes no effort with me. I have no duty to him to be his friend or put up with his shit, so fuck it. He's out of the picture in my mind.Two of my girlies have new male interests, one of them being rather aged compared. I'm really happy for them. Their secret smiles make me all fuzzy inside.
Family
My mum recently gave permission for me to sleep over at Him's house which is amazing of her as she's usually quite controlling. I think she's really proud of me for getting through these exams without another break down. Last exam season me and her argued pretty badly and I like screamed and shouted, it was not pretty. Sisters awesome, if a little annoying. N is nice recently. I feel suspicious of him though. There was a huge scandal a while ago where my sis had some suspicions about his fidelity. I check his history now and keep watch, just to keep mumsie safe. He's alright most of the time, when he's not whining. Dad's awesome and C is also coolies, seeing them this weekend.
N's daughter is pregnant with her second child. My aunty recently got engaged. Sitatution with crazy Cousin is no better, her sister is doing well and wants to go into Criminal science.
Bus
This has been a big thing recently, so I want to moan. Frodo has moved downstairs bringing the second Bummer Twin with him. Urgh, as if one wasn't bad enough. The Handsome One seems to be a little reserved, but has come to accept his position as rejected in favour of Headphone Mans coolness. Owl Boy...my darling. He's growing up and it unnerves me, I don't know whether to treat him like a kid or like someone my age. I might try the latter tommorow.
School
Psychology - Went okay. Almost well.
Biology - Felt I did crap.
English - Felt I did crap.
Philosophy - Felt I was a crap.
Love
As mentioned earlier, the Mutti has allowed me to sleep over Him's so I'm super psyched about that happening someday. I want to fall asleep knowing he's a moment away from me, sleeping in his arms has been so safe before. He even shhs me when I twitch like a freak. I feel totally wrapped up in cotton wool type love and it doesn't bother me I'm not super in control, being taken care of has been a welcome break especially in the exam season. I just wish I could hold him and kiss him all the time. Oh I'm close to crying now, MOVE ON.
Mind - Stressed
Body - Tired and flabby, will feel strong and toned when I get the energy soon.
Soul - At peace, was all worked up in a flapper but is on a come down off a high.
Hobbies
I want to write, I've been pouring out endless creativity recently and I just want to bottle it and share it around. Especially in the romance tragedy area. I feel another Lovers Grave coming along....Yay or Nay?
Friends
Well the majority of my friends are fine and I think it's going to get more stable from the shaky position it's been during exams. However I have recently lost one friend, he's not dead, just a dick. Marshal was just totally cutting and harsh for no apparant reason and he makes no effort with me. I have no duty to him to be his friend or put up with his shit, so fuck it. He's out of the picture in my mind.Two of my girlies have new male interests, one of them being rather aged compared. I'm really happy for them. Their secret smiles make me all fuzzy inside.
Family
My mum recently gave permission for me to sleep over at Him's house which is amazing of her as she's usually quite controlling. I think she's really proud of me for getting through these exams without another break down. Last exam season me and her argued pretty badly and I like screamed and shouted, it was not pretty. Sisters awesome, if a little annoying. N is nice recently. I feel suspicious of him though. There was a huge scandal a while ago where my sis had some suspicions about his fidelity. I check his history now and keep watch, just to keep mumsie safe. He's alright most of the time, when he's not whining. Dad's awesome and C is also coolies, seeing them this weekend.
N's daughter is pregnant with her second child. My aunty recently got engaged. Sitatution with crazy Cousin is no better, her sister is doing well and wants to go into Criminal science.
Bus
This has been a big thing recently, so I want to moan. Frodo has moved downstairs bringing the second Bummer Twin with him. Urgh, as if one wasn't bad enough. The Handsome One seems to be a little reserved, but has come to accept his position as rejected in favour of Headphone Mans coolness. Owl Boy...my darling. He's growing up and it unnerves me, I don't know whether to treat him like a kid or like someone my age. I might try the latter tommorow.
School
Psychology - Went okay. Almost well.
Biology - Felt I did crap.
English - Felt I did crap.
Philosophy - Felt I was a crap.
Love
As mentioned earlier, the Mutti has allowed me to sleep over Him's so I'm super psyched about that happening someday. I want to fall asleep knowing he's a moment away from me, sleeping in his arms has been so safe before. He even shhs me when I twitch like a freak. I feel totally wrapped up in cotton wool type love and it doesn't bother me I'm not super in control, being taken care of has been a welcome break especially in the exam season. I just wish I could hold him and kiss him all the time. Oh I'm close to crying now, MOVE ON.
Mind - Stressed
Body - Tired and flabby, will feel strong and toned when I get the energy soon.
Soul - At peace, was all worked up in a flapper but is on a come down off a high.
Hobbies
I want to write, I've been pouring out endless creativity recently and I just want to bottle it and share it around. Especially in the romance tragedy area. I feel another Lovers Grave coming along....Yay or Nay?
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
Ten Minutes as Me
She ran, her feet hitting the pavement with a rhythmic smack that satisfied her yearn for movement. Her muscles felt like a plant starved of water, finally feeling the first droplets of rain. She ran without grace, in a primal way. Her run was hectic and rushed, not that of the joggers at the side of the road. She seemed to mimic more a person in trouble, running from danger or punishment.
Her fear that she ran from was distant, it was the fear of failure. By running she felt that instant gratification, no chance of getting it wrong, just one foot, next foot, left right. Past her she saw the monotonous landscape of identical houses. With each one she could track her pace, counting how many houses till the turning or how many she passed with 50 footsteps. Unfortunately, it wasn’t running without purpose. Her mother had asked her to go and buy eggs for Yorkshire puddings, and since the girl herself did like to eat eggs with breakfast, she decided to oblige.
With the shop in the distance her pace slowed to a swagger. Feeling it silly to walk into a shop huffing and puffing she dawdled along, catching the breath that had escaped her. Success flooded through her, even at the small achievement of being able to run to the local store; nothing was too small to be proud of. Inside the store was blaring with the shouting colours of packaging, each one boasting to be ‘Best in the market’ or ‘Even tastier!’. She scoffed and found the plainest carton of eggs, scooping it into one of her arms. She grabbed some chocolate off the best shelf in the shop, a bargaining chip thrown in to convince her to get eggs. She sighed and approached the till.
“How are you?” The brightly ginger woman said from behind the till, her voice distant and uninterested.
“Good” The girl replied. She was stuck for words after that, not knowing how to interact. The woman recited the price and she paid, silently pondering what she could say.
“Have a nice day” The woman said and the girl murmured “You too.” But it was too quiet and too late. She wandered back out in the street, disappointed she couldn’t run back home. The handful of change, eggs, chocolate and mobile was too much to try and keep track of when trying to run in her own way.
Sauntering back she took more time to look at things, namely people. Two boys on bikes passed her, both peering inquisitively at her. They were blatantly younger than her but she felt closer to them than the two teenagers in bright hoodies and dark hats across the road that probably were her age. She saw a woman moaning at her teenage daughter about presents and wondered if all teenagers looked so moody and then deliberately brightened her face. She watched her shadow for a moment, watching her hair writhe around her in the breeze. She liked her hair in this style, front sections tied at the back of her head but people called it ‘odd’ and ‘unusual’ so she tended to not do it.
Her house came up quicker than she expected. A car blared past with grime music playing loudly out the rolled down window. Home felt so good, although it never felt safe. She felt like often she couldn’t be herself in the presence of her mother; censoring her words, toning down her actions and tiptoeing around feelings. She quickly threw down the eggs and change, running upstairs to her personal haven. She stopped off on the way to place a chocolate bar on her sisters laptop, to surprise her for when she got home after her hard last day on her project. Smug at her thoughtfulness she returned to her cushy bedroom. Swathed with fur, fans and clutter – she loved it. Flopping on the bed she picked up her laptop and began typing, perhaps a little too hardly, as a creative idea zipped its way inside her head….
Her fear that she ran from was distant, it was the fear of failure. By running she felt that instant gratification, no chance of getting it wrong, just one foot, next foot, left right. Past her she saw the monotonous landscape of identical houses. With each one she could track her pace, counting how many houses till the turning or how many she passed with 50 footsteps. Unfortunately, it wasn’t running without purpose. Her mother had asked her to go and buy eggs for Yorkshire puddings, and since the girl herself did like to eat eggs with breakfast, she decided to oblige.
With the shop in the distance her pace slowed to a swagger. Feeling it silly to walk into a shop huffing and puffing she dawdled along, catching the breath that had escaped her. Success flooded through her, even at the small achievement of being able to run to the local store; nothing was too small to be proud of. Inside the store was blaring with the shouting colours of packaging, each one boasting to be ‘Best in the market’ or ‘Even tastier!’. She scoffed and found the plainest carton of eggs, scooping it into one of her arms. She grabbed some chocolate off the best shelf in the shop, a bargaining chip thrown in to convince her to get eggs. She sighed and approached the till.
“How are you?” The brightly ginger woman said from behind the till, her voice distant and uninterested.
“Good” The girl replied. She was stuck for words after that, not knowing how to interact. The woman recited the price and she paid, silently pondering what she could say.
“Have a nice day” The woman said and the girl murmured “You too.” But it was too quiet and too late. She wandered back out in the street, disappointed she couldn’t run back home. The handful of change, eggs, chocolate and mobile was too much to try and keep track of when trying to run in her own way.
Sauntering back she took more time to look at things, namely people. Two boys on bikes passed her, both peering inquisitively at her. They were blatantly younger than her but she felt closer to them than the two teenagers in bright hoodies and dark hats across the road that probably were her age. She saw a woman moaning at her teenage daughter about presents and wondered if all teenagers looked so moody and then deliberately brightened her face. She watched her shadow for a moment, watching her hair writhe around her in the breeze. She liked her hair in this style, front sections tied at the back of her head but people called it ‘odd’ and ‘unusual’ so she tended to not do it.
Her house came up quicker than she expected. A car blared past with grime music playing loudly out the rolled down window. Home felt so good, although it never felt safe. She felt like often she couldn’t be herself in the presence of her mother; censoring her words, toning down her actions and tiptoeing around feelings. She quickly threw down the eggs and change, running upstairs to her personal haven. She stopped off on the way to place a chocolate bar on her sisters laptop, to surprise her for when she got home after her hard last day on her project. Smug at her thoughtfulness she returned to her cushy bedroom. Swathed with fur, fans and clutter – she loved it. Flopping on the bed she picked up her laptop and began typing, perhaps a little too hardly, as a creative idea zipped its way inside her head….
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
Epic Blog Update
Oh Yes, I'm heading back to the traditional Belle style of catagorising things. :D
Health
Starting with the worst so you'll forget it by the end. I have the worst, cough/cold combo I have ever suffered. I'm currently on three different types of drugs, still can't breathe through my nose and feel like I swallowed a binbag full of ash. It's so dry and scratchy in the my throat right now, I'd rather chop a toe off than sneeze.... okay I lie. Only if the toe grew back perfect. I really hate one of my toes alright!
Body
New catagory! Coming into summer I am becoming incredibly body conscious. I don't think it's conscious... more aware. More body aware. I am aware I have a pinch of a belly - do I care...that's another matter. I have been eating shit for the past two weeks and also dropped four pounds. I'm going to blame revision and worry for that, so go you!
Mind
Of course I had to do mind if I had body! Well basically half of me feels like it's been bit off, chewed up, swallowed, sicked out and shat on by a panda. The other half is so elated it's like a helium balloon pulling on the depressed strings that attach it to the other half of my mind. OW I JUST COUGHED
Friends
One of my bessies has just suffered a loss which may hit her hard or softly. Either way, it's hit her and I am hoping to act as temporarily air bag to pain. I don't like my mates being hurt so I shall be doing my best to rally forth with too-soon jokes and texts filled with love and support! Yay! Other friends seem to be fine, none have any beef with me, which is lucky 'cause I feel like chicken tonight. :D Admit it, that joke was awesome. I don't feel awfully close to any one particular person recently and it's bothering me. It means that I have to turn to a different person for every crisis. Forbidden boy crisises go to DarlingOne whereas boyfriend crisis are shared between her, C and Cheshire. Then if I have a family crises I go to C as she is the voice of adult reason. And then if I have a body crisis I run straight to Cheshire again. What a palava. Almost wrote pavlova then which is totally different.
Love
Skip if you don't want to hear gooey happy sweet sickness because I'm afraid to say it's going rather well. We haven't argued properly in a long while and the little tiffs are easier to brush off because I can see now when I'm overreacting. The only thing coming between us is a few crush issues which I am personally ironing out. I miss him when he's away, when we are together there is no pressure to be an amazing girlfriend or attractive, I can just slump in his arms and he will still love me. He might ask me to move cause I'm crushing his arms but that's reality for you.
Bus
WAAAHHHH my darling headphone man will be leaving after his exams are done! He may only be here for a while longer and I'm gutted. We really got closer over the past few weeks and I loved chatting with him, trying to make him awkward in the mornings and beating him in the avo. He's promised to give me a bracelet when he leaves, bless the poor sod. XD
School
Exams are coming. Looming over me like a massive black hairy cloud with tentacles. I shall try and keep my cool but the closer I get, the more the Mind and Health departments will suffer. I am an absolute horror for nervous illnesses. Even meeting with the Krewe can send me bolting for the bathroom if it's an 'event'. Hate my own reflexes. I'll get through it though, with or without a cold. Grrr!
So that's my mega update and I still have hours left to kill before anyone is online. Do I revise or write an analysis of each person....? I KNOW!
Health
Starting with the worst so you'll forget it by the end. I have the worst, cough/cold combo I have ever suffered. I'm currently on three different types of drugs, still can't breathe through my nose and feel like I swallowed a binbag full of ash. It's so dry and scratchy in the my throat right now, I'd rather chop a toe off than sneeze.... okay I lie. Only if the toe grew back perfect. I really hate one of my toes alright!
Body
New catagory! Coming into summer I am becoming incredibly body conscious. I don't think it's conscious... more aware. More body aware. I am aware I have a pinch of a belly - do I care...that's another matter. I have been eating shit for the past two weeks and also dropped four pounds. I'm going to blame revision and worry for that, so go you!
Mind
Of course I had to do mind if I had body! Well basically half of me feels like it's been bit off, chewed up, swallowed, sicked out and shat on by a panda. The other half is so elated it's like a helium balloon pulling on the depressed strings that attach it to the other half of my mind. OW I JUST COUGHED
Friends
One of my bessies has just suffered a loss which may hit her hard or softly. Either way, it's hit her and I am hoping to act as temporarily air bag to pain. I don't like my mates being hurt so I shall be doing my best to rally forth with too-soon jokes and texts filled with love and support! Yay! Other friends seem to be fine, none have any beef with me, which is lucky 'cause I feel like chicken tonight. :D Admit it, that joke was awesome. I don't feel awfully close to any one particular person recently and it's bothering me. It means that I have to turn to a different person for every crisis. Forbidden boy crisises go to DarlingOne whereas boyfriend crisis are shared between her, C and Cheshire. Then if I have a family crises I go to C as she is the voice of adult reason. And then if I have a body crisis I run straight to Cheshire again. What a palava. Almost wrote pavlova then which is totally different.
Love
Skip if you don't want to hear gooey happy sweet sickness because I'm afraid to say it's going rather well. We haven't argued properly in a long while and the little tiffs are easier to brush off because I can see now when I'm overreacting. The only thing coming between us is a few crush issues which I am personally ironing out. I miss him when he's away, when we are together there is no pressure to be an amazing girlfriend or attractive, I can just slump in his arms and he will still love me. He might ask me to move cause I'm crushing his arms but that's reality for you.
Bus
WAAAHHHH my darling headphone man will be leaving after his exams are done! He may only be here for a while longer and I'm gutted. We really got closer over the past few weeks and I loved chatting with him, trying to make him awkward in the mornings and beating him in the avo. He's promised to give me a bracelet when he leaves, bless the poor sod. XD
School
Exams are coming. Looming over me like a massive black hairy cloud with tentacles. I shall try and keep my cool but the closer I get, the more the Mind and Health departments will suffer. I am an absolute horror for nervous illnesses. Even meeting with the Krewe can send me bolting for the bathroom if it's an 'event'. Hate my own reflexes. I'll get through it though, with or without a cold. Grrr!
So that's my mega update and I still have hours left to kill before anyone is online. Do I revise or write an analysis of each person....? I KNOW!
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Reliving the Good Old Days
One of the best ways to make you happy and to make you sad.
I have my old diaries, letters, a memory box and two scrapbooks as well as countless photo albums. I keep practically everything meaningful. And that's just the physical stuff. I love discovering old songs that you can flick through and remember when you last heard it and what you were doing.
But that's a bit of a sidetrack. Recently I've been getting happier. More good grades coming back in English Lang. My other blog has had...20 visitors with 47 pageviews today so far which is a new record for me. :) Probably due to the fact I posted on a very touchy subject that was a bit taboo. Friends are awesome, angry at Stag because he blurted a load of personal shit when he had absolutely no right. Family is awesome, mum and N are going to Florida soon so we get two weeks without them. But for one I'm going to my dads so that'll be okay. I need to ring him actually.
Other than that, totally cool!
I have my old diaries, letters, a memory box and two scrapbooks as well as countless photo albums. I keep practically everything meaningful. And that's just the physical stuff. I love discovering old songs that you can flick through and remember when you last heard it and what you were doing.
But that's a bit of a sidetrack. Recently I've been getting happier. More good grades coming back in English Lang. My other blog has had...20 visitors with 47 pageviews today so far which is a new record for me. :) Probably due to the fact I posted on a very touchy subject that was a bit taboo. Friends are awesome, angry at Stag because he blurted a load of personal shit when he had absolutely no right. Family is awesome, mum and N are going to Florida soon so we get two weeks without them. But for one I'm going to my dads so that'll be okay. I need to ring him actually.
Other than that, totally cool!
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Self Expectations
I have come to realise that perhaps I am too hard on myself. I wouldn't class my self-expectations of myself to be too high, they are all achievable, but I really do beat myself up about it when I'm nowhere near them or heading off track.
I got another bad grade, I swear the quality of my work has gone down very very far in the past month and that could be due to many things. I'm guessing it's down to laziness, stress and being distracted by the new boyf. But I'm working on it.
Right now I have rewarded myself for doing homework with a cup of tea and some chocolate covered Oreogasms. Yum.
I got another bad grade, I swear the quality of my work has gone down very very far in the past month and that could be due to many things. I'm guessing it's down to laziness, stress and being distracted by the new boyf. But I'm working on it.
Right now I have rewarded myself for doing homework with a cup of tea and some chocolate covered Oreogasms. Yum.
Monday, 19 April 2010
Twilight Vs Life
Round One.
The boyfriends. My own is currently amazing, despite the fact he doesn't sparkle in the sunlight. He bought me a rose for no apparent reason and I'm sure if he was immortal he would not hesitate to bring me into it with him. I feel so comfortable around him, I even fell asleep for a good twenty minutes in his arms which has only happened once before at three o'clock in the morning and this was like the middle of the day!
LIFE 1 TWILIGHT 0
Round Two.
Personal characteristics. Well for one thing Bella is more generous and the way she thinks is amusing and insightful. My meandering thoughts are no-where near as entertaining and the most insightful I get is "Has my garage been painted?" (Yes by the way.)
LIFE 1 TWILIGHT 1
Round Three.
Mood. My mood recently has been getting a lot better. I was in a mega bad mood and people around me were in awful moods and this really affects me. Now, Owl Boy is in a much better mood and the step-dad even made me a cup of tea today. I'm currently at the bit in Twilight when Bella is hating Forks and hasn't yet discovered Edwards permeating magnificence.
LIFE 2 TWILIGHT 1
Life wins! This was a longwinded and pointless way of saying that I'm in a much better mood thank you very much. :D
The boyfriends. My own is currently amazing, despite the fact he doesn't sparkle in the sunlight. He bought me a rose for no apparent reason and I'm sure if he was immortal he would not hesitate to bring me into it with him. I feel so comfortable around him, I even fell asleep for a good twenty minutes in his arms which has only happened once before at three o'clock in the morning and this was like the middle of the day!
LIFE 1 TWILIGHT 0
Round Two.
Personal characteristics. Well for one thing Bella is more generous and the way she thinks is amusing and insightful. My meandering thoughts are no-where near as entertaining and the most insightful I get is "Has my garage been painted?" (Yes by the way.)
LIFE 1 TWILIGHT 1
Round Three.
Mood. My mood recently has been getting a lot better. I was in a mega bad mood and people around me were in awful moods and this really affects me. Now, Owl Boy is in a much better mood and the step-dad even made me a cup of tea today. I'm currently at the bit in Twilight when Bella is hating Forks and hasn't yet discovered Edwards permeating magnificence.
LIFE 2 TWILIGHT 1
Life wins! This was a longwinded and pointless way of saying that I'm in a much better mood thank you very much. :D
Sunday, 28 March 2010
A Little Update
Or so I think it will be, could go on a bit knowing me.
Family
This is all going well. I get a bit more time to spend around them as now the new boyf isn't quite so close, I even went to the shops with my dad today. We got him B'day pressies even though it's a week early. Twas quite funny. My sister started writing Happy Birthday but it turned into "Hab" so I was like "Just switch the p and b" So we wrote "Habby Pirthday" on his card and then commented that Sissy shouldn't be allowed to write any more cards.
Friends
Once again, pretty well. The few that annoy me will always annoy me but my power as a leader has completely slipped and now I have no say on who comes and goes, not that I ever did really. It's kind of gutting now that I have to take a back seat at times, I feel a little useless to be frank.
Love
AWESOME! Him came over (That sounds like a caveman speaking, I should change Him's name.) anyways, He came over yesterday and it was amazing as usual. I managed to get him really hyper on coke, and that was hilarious. We just messed around (in both senses of the word ;) ) and it rocked.
Girl Rant
I finally bought curling tongs! But I curled my hair earlier, I love it curly but it never stays like that cause my hair is so heavy. Oh! And I got some cute red dolly shoes for 6 squid in Asda. Yum.
Health
I guess I'm healthy. I keep missing my multivitamins so that's my New Years Resolution gone!
Education
Looking into Universities. Really worried about this thing on Tuesday because I'll be going to random talks and nobody has actually said "Oh, I'll come with you" to any of it, so I might end up walking around like a loser, getting lost and ending up in the middle of Northampton, very confused.
Family
This is all going well. I get a bit more time to spend around them as now the new boyf isn't quite so close, I even went to the shops with my dad today. We got him B'day pressies even though it's a week early. Twas quite funny. My sister started writing Happy Birthday but it turned into "Hab" so I was like "Just switch the p and b" So we wrote "Habby Pirthday" on his card and then commented that Sissy shouldn't be allowed to write any more cards.
Friends
Once again, pretty well. The few that annoy me will always annoy me but my power as a leader has completely slipped and now I have no say on who comes and goes, not that I ever did really. It's kind of gutting now that I have to take a back seat at times, I feel a little useless to be frank.
Love
AWESOME! Him came over (That sounds like a caveman speaking, I should change Him's name.) anyways, He came over yesterday and it was amazing as usual. I managed to get him really hyper on coke, and that was hilarious. We just messed around (in both senses of the word ;) ) and it rocked.
Girl Rant
I finally bought curling tongs! But I curled my hair earlier, I love it curly but it never stays like that cause my hair is so heavy. Oh! And I got some cute red dolly shoes for 6 squid in Asda. Yum.
Health
I guess I'm healthy. I keep missing my multivitamins so that's my New Years Resolution gone!
Education
Looking into Universities. Really worried about this thing on Tuesday because I'll be going to random talks and nobody has actually said "Oh, I'll come with you" to any of it, so I might end up walking around like a loser, getting lost and ending up in the middle of Northampton, very confused.
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Song Lyrics
I'm going to start this chain, I challenge thee....challenger! To find lyrics from songs that are currently appropriate to your life, or situations of said life!
Here is mine....
"I think, you're fine... You really blow my mind! Maybe, someday you and me could run away...." - Hey Juliet - LMNT
"I won't tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you 'cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin'." Poker face - Lady Gaga
"You got a fast car... I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal, maybe together we could get somewhere..." Fast Car - Kristian Leontiou
"I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never been afraid of any deviation!...Hello Boys!" Bad Reputation - Joan Jetts and the Blackhearts
Here is mine....
"I think, you're fine... You really blow my mind! Maybe, someday you and me could run away...." - Hey Juliet - LMNT
"I won't tell you that I love you, kiss or hug you 'cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin'." Poker face - Lady Gaga
"You got a fast car... I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal, maybe together we could get somewhere..." Fast Car - Kristian Leontiou
"I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never been afraid of any deviation!...Hello Boys!" Bad Reputation - Joan Jetts and the Blackhearts
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Blossoming
Well, everything is blossoming like a wonderful flower. My life has gone from utmost misery- crying every single day to walking around with a goofy smile on my face. Mind you I guess all of my smiles are goofy.
And my phone has been going crazy recently.
I love it.
Although I'm afraid I can't post much cause this one thing has taken over my life and I can't really talk about it on here, it's private matters.
And my phone has been going crazy recently.
I love it.
Although I'm afraid I can't post much cause this one thing has taken over my life and I can't really talk about it on here, it's private matters.
Tuesday, 2 February 2010
My Day - Episode Ten
This is starting out as a My Day but will end up as a rambling. Today and yesterday the boyfriend has been away with man-flu, actually I don't know for sure, he could be half-cut in a field and I wouldn't know - mental note to wring him after blog post is done.
Philosophy today really got me thinking. First of all we decided to allocate animals to different people. Teacher got owl because he's so wise and very watchful and analytic and he looks a bit like one, a thin one.
The inside-out-sock-wearer got a frog because he never speaks, he just sits there looking sleepy and bored.
The girl-who-covers-her-mouth-when-she-laughs got a cheshire cat because she tends to smile alot with this knowing look. Those are the few that were most interesting, I got a meerkat because apparently I always look very alert and alive, popping my head up a lot. I think that's pretty suitable.
Then we ended up talking about friendships and relationships, how people deal with arguments. Wise Owl said that when he and his wife argue he busies himself so he won't have to confront them. I ended up talking about when me and my babe fell out and didn't speak for eight months. Was a little weird thinking back on it. We just gave up on hating each other in the end.
And then we spoke about love. Wise Owl came up with this theory that partners should bring out the best in other people but not be selfish with one another. If a couple only like to be together alone then it's probably not a good relationship. If someone loves someone they would want to share their loveliness with everyone and be happy to be apart because love doesn't depend on distance.
Real love is when you can experience lots of wonderful eye-opening new things and travel the world alone and you will still go home to that one person because you want to and be very very happy that it is them there and no-one else. I totally agree. I may be a cheater and unfaithful but I always chose Boyfriend over them, isn't that a stronger love than just never checking to see the grass is greener and still returning?
Philosophy today really got me thinking. First of all we decided to allocate animals to different people. Teacher got owl because he's so wise and very watchful and analytic and he looks a bit like one, a thin one.
The inside-out-sock-wearer got a frog because he never speaks, he just sits there looking sleepy and bored.
The girl-who-covers-her-mouth-when-she-laughs got a cheshire cat because she tends to smile alot with this knowing look. Those are the few that were most interesting, I got a meerkat because apparently I always look very alert and alive, popping my head up a lot. I think that's pretty suitable.
Then we ended up talking about friendships and relationships, how people deal with arguments. Wise Owl said that when he and his wife argue he busies himself so he won't have to confront them. I ended up talking about when me and my babe fell out and didn't speak for eight months. Was a little weird thinking back on it. We just gave up on hating each other in the end.
And then we spoke about love. Wise Owl came up with this theory that partners should bring out the best in other people but not be selfish with one another. If a couple only like to be together alone then it's probably not a good relationship. If someone loves someone they would want to share their loveliness with everyone and be happy to be apart because love doesn't depend on distance.
Real love is when you can experience lots of wonderful eye-opening new things and travel the world alone and you will still go home to that one person because you want to and be very very happy that it is them there and no-one else. I totally agree. I may be a cheater and unfaithful but I always chose Boyfriend over them, isn't that a stronger love than just never checking to see the grass is greener and still returning?
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
The Real BlogPost
I will admit, the stealing of the quiz was lazy! I just haven't done a quiz in ages so if you don't read it, I really don't care. I'm going to give you a rundown of my life in the form I usually do for my diary entires.
Love
Well boyfriend is once again perfect. He kissed my hair and forehead today. I feel so wonderfully taken care of. He makes my life stress free. When I didn't have my bus pass he just shushed me, took me in his arms and took care of it. - Perfection.
Had a nice dream a couple of nights ago where basically me and boyfriend got married and went on our honeymoon, it was wonderfully exotic and gorgeously luxurious! I was wearing an off the shoulder white dress which was very simplistic but such a figure hugger, my waist was tiny!
It will admit to have a little wandering eye but it's only showing appreciation for the beautiful male form and whatnot, nothing personal with anyone.
The whole 'dick' incident has passed. I no longer care if anyone believes me or even knows about it, it's on his shoulders now. I just pray he trips every time he walks by, or at least stumbles. Please God?
Family
Sister is panicking over university interviews, she takes priority in family at this stage, I'm good to take a back seat after my whole "Her relationship is SERIOUS" family crisis thing.
Step-dad-thing N is dieting, he's on the lighetlife so he's living off soups. Bless, he got so excited when he was allowed these bars that I wouldn't even give a dog.
Mum is taking happiness on blaming all her mood swings and odd rambles on being pre-menopausal. Thanks mum, I really needed that.
Health
Keep forgetting to take vitamins, there goes my new years resolution number one. Have finally booked opticians and pill consultation with nurse for Friday. No doubt I will get pre-stressful moment sickness. Fear I may need unnatractive glasses. I cannot pull off 'sexy secutary' look. It comes out as 'Is she Velma from scooby doo?'/
Friends
I recently had a heart to heart with fellow Girl Guide, she told me what she'd been hiding from me (sneaky cow, love her!) and I told her I felt pushed out of the little group and felt it was dejavu of when we last fell out. We had emotional hug and she cooled my neck with her ice hands, see she's even useful. Curltop, can't remember what I called him after he cut his hair, is being mean and my self esteem plummeted momentarily feeling like a short fat blob. Got to love male friendly joking....not.
Self-Esteem
Pretty darn high. Painting my nails and having regular lie-ins are making me happier. Not mention throw off comments like "You have such a nice fashion sense" and "Your hair is always in nice condition" are just wiggling their way into my psyche. Love it!
Love
Well boyfriend is once again perfect. He kissed my hair and forehead today. I feel so wonderfully taken care of. He makes my life stress free. When I didn't have my bus pass he just shushed me, took me in his arms and took care of it. - Perfection.
Had a nice dream a couple of nights ago where basically me and boyfriend got married and went on our honeymoon, it was wonderfully exotic and gorgeously luxurious! I was wearing an off the shoulder white dress which was very simplistic but such a figure hugger, my waist was tiny!
It will admit to have a little wandering eye but it's only showing appreciation for the beautiful male form and whatnot, nothing personal with anyone.
The whole 'dick' incident has passed. I no longer care if anyone believes me or even knows about it, it's on his shoulders now. I just pray he trips every time he walks by, or at least stumbles. Please God?
Family
Sister is panicking over university interviews, she takes priority in family at this stage, I'm good to take a back seat after my whole "Her relationship is SERIOUS" family crisis thing.
Step-dad-thing N is dieting, he's on the lighetlife so he's living off soups. Bless, he got so excited when he was allowed these bars that I wouldn't even give a dog.
Mum is taking happiness on blaming all her mood swings and odd rambles on being pre-menopausal. Thanks mum, I really needed that.
Health
Keep forgetting to take vitamins, there goes my new years resolution number one. Have finally booked opticians and pill consultation with nurse for Friday. No doubt I will get pre-stressful moment sickness. Fear I may need unnatractive glasses. I cannot pull off 'sexy secutary' look. It comes out as 'Is she Velma from scooby doo?'/
Friends
I recently had a heart to heart with fellow Girl Guide, she told me what she'd been hiding from me (sneaky cow, love her!) and I told her I felt pushed out of the little group and felt it was dejavu of when we last fell out. We had emotional hug and she cooled my neck with her ice hands, see she's even useful. Curltop, can't remember what I called him after he cut his hair, is being mean and my self esteem plummeted momentarily feeling like a short fat blob. Got to love male friendly joking....not.
Self-Esteem
Pretty darn high. Painting my nails and having regular lie-ins are making me happier. Not mention throw off comments like "You have such a nice fashion sense" and "Your hair is always in nice condition" are just wiggling their way into my psyche. Love it!
Friday, 22 January 2010
True Blood Versus Life
Round One!
At the moment I feel down in the dumps. I recently found out that people have in the past judged me as cold and predatory, people who I thought had had only good opinions of me had at one point disliked me to a point of cold hatred.
True Blood = Escapism from crappy life.
Round One goes to True Blood.
Round Two!
True Blood books Sookie Stackhouse series are too expensive to buy, causing frustrations at something I want and can't have. And I may have ruined all books by watching the whole of series one and two.
Even though these other people have put a downer on my sense of ideal friendshps I do have those who come through for me, the unexpected ones from out of the blue give me a sense on hope.
Round Two to Life
Round Three!
Recently started to notice the fact I am disfigured and imperfect being, it's getting under my skin or to be accurate, on. Hating self-image, hating boyfriends little annoyances and just full of hate.
True Blood is more fucked up then my life and provides comfort and support is reassuring me that I may actually be relatively normal....maybe.
Round Three to True Blood!
And the winner is True Blood. When the going gets tough... The tough watch True Blood. <3
At the moment I feel down in the dumps. I recently found out that people have in the past judged me as cold and predatory, people who I thought had had only good opinions of me had at one point disliked me to a point of cold hatred.
True Blood = Escapism from crappy life.
Round One goes to True Blood.
Round Two!
True Blood books Sookie Stackhouse series are too expensive to buy, causing frustrations at something I want and can't have. And I may have ruined all books by watching the whole of series one and two.
Even though these other people have put a downer on my sense of ideal friendshps I do have those who come through for me, the unexpected ones from out of the blue give me a sense on hope.
Round Two to Life
Round Three!
Recently started to notice the fact I am disfigured and imperfect being, it's getting under my skin or to be accurate, on. Hating self-image, hating boyfriends little annoyances and just full of hate.
True Blood is more fucked up then my life and provides comfort and support is reassuring me that I may actually be relatively normal....maybe.
Round Three to True Blood!
And the winner is True Blood. When the going gets tough... The tough watch True Blood. <3
Thursday, 14 January 2010
Poetry in Motion
There once was a girl. Many stories start with something as simple as one person, one person in billions and billions who has a story to tell. Sometimes the story is dramatic or even melodramatic, it could be happy or sad but most stories are written to tap into your heart and scrawl something new.
This girl was nothing spectacular. Hair that was only just brown in the light and eyes that became totally black in the dark, skin a faint gold that fades into a pale pink-yellow in the winter, the cold pinching her cheeks until they shone red.
It was winter where this story stands although it is being written every minute of every hour of every day. Today she walks, wind biting her lips and making it hard. She bites the insides of her cheeks as she does every day, a nervous habit that has now slipped into a boredom habit. Walking steadily she hobbled across the icy road where the snow was compacted and black with the dirt of too many tyres.She didn't like the snow, it only caused disruption where it fell and it always spent too long fading away. Not to mention snow days were rare due to the absolute determined opening of the school. That's where she was headed.
Such a miserable place, full of measuring people up to someone elses standards. You could only feel like you had achieved something if someone else told you that you had. Could they measure wit? Or creative flair? Or a good sense of humour? She thought not, and those were the things that mattered in a person; at least to her they were.
But there was one thing spurring her on in this repeated journey to and from school. A boy, or rather a man. Perhaps both. Someone stuck in that unnamable stage of maturity, where the innocence of childhood has faded but they haven't yet been stained with the cynicism of adulthood. A beautiful stage she thought. Many of the stories she read were based on people in this stage, growing through experiences rather than time. She was in love with this person, or so she suspected.
When they were together it was comfortable whether words were said or not. When they were apart a faint longing touched their minds no matter what they were doing. He accepted her; chips on each shoulder and all. She could be raw and honest with him and he smiled with his blue eyes and would stroke her hand claiming that it didn't matter.
But most of all he forgave her. Forgiveness is the one thing that can solidify love. If someone can accept your mistake, your broken being, and continue to love you all the same; that is love. And that is what he did. She had expected to see an accusing look in his eye asking 'Why?' but she was wrong. His eyes were clear as water and held only an affectionate sympathy for her.
They shared their pain. His of the betrayal he overcame and hers of the mistakes that would forever cast a shadow over her life. But at least someone would step into the shadow to be with her.
xx
Keep writing your life story people.
This girl was nothing spectacular. Hair that was only just brown in the light and eyes that became totally black in the dark, skin a faint gold that fades into a pale pink-yellow in the winter, the cold pinching her cheeks until they shone red.
It was winter where this story stands although it is being written every minute of every hour of every day. Today she walks, wind biting her lips and making it hard. She bites the insides of her cheeks as she does every day, a nervous habit that has now slipped into a boredom habit. Walking steadily she hobbled across the icy road where the snow was compacted and black with the dirt of too many tyres.She didn't like the snow, it only caused disruption where it fell and it always spent too long fading away. Not to mention snow days were rare due to the absolute determined opening of the school. That's where she was headed.
Such a miserable place, full of measuring people up to someone elses standards. You could only feel like you had achieved something if someone else told you that you had. Could they measure wit? Or creative flair? Or a good sense of humour? She thought not, and those were the things that mattered in a person; at least to her they were.
But there was one thing spurring her on in this repeated journey to and from school. A boy, or rather a man. Perhaps both. Someone stuck in that unnamable stage of maturity, where the innocence of childhood has faded but they haven't yet been stained with the cynicism of adulthood. A beautiful stage she thought. Many of the stories she read were based on people in this stage, growing through experiences rather than time. She was in love with this person, or so she suspected.
When they were together it was comfortable whether words were said or not. When they were apart a faint longing touched their minds no matter what they were doing. He accepted her; chips on each shoulder and all. She could be raw and honest with him and he smiled with his blue eyes and would stroke her hand claiming that it didn't matter.
But most of all he forgave her. Forgiveness is the one thing that can solidify love. If someone can accept your mistake, your broken being, and continue to love you all the same; that is love. And that is what he did. She had expected to see an accusing look in his eye asking 'Why?' but she was wrong. His eyes were clear as water and held only an affectionate sympathy for her.
They shared their pain. His of the betrayal he overcame and hers of the mistakes that would forever cast a shadow over her life. But at least someone would step into the shadow to be with her.
xx
Keep writing your life story people.
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Knowing Yourself
Everyone makes a huge deal about 'finding yourself' and I think that's a little inaccurate. Everyone is in touch with themselves, you are yourself after all however I think you need a bit more interaction with your mind and soul that the everyday life.
And so, I was inspired by another blogger who seems a bit lost to write about ways I bring about peace with myself and general happiness and wellbeing. These tips are literally just tips and might seem crazy or just not work but bare with me.
1. Focus on a small and fiddly task.
This can be something like a jigsaw or fixing that necklace that snapped all those days ago. Sewing or something may be more suited to you. Usually something productive is better as you get that sense of achievement at the end. Personally, I paint my nails. French manicures are so fiddly they allow my brain to block all those looming problems that seem to swamp you and pull your mind together to focus on something you WANT to do.
2. Lie down.
Not on a bed. Bed's are for sleeping and you'll only get that sense of frustration that comes with trying to fall asleep when you aren't sleepy or not being allowed to fall asleep. Lie on the floor and just relax. Flop down, no need to be neat with how you lie. Lieing down uses no muscles so only your brain has to be active. This will take away all distractions and let you focus on those niggling problems and give you some time to try and think of solutions.
3. Light a candle.
Fire is incredibly calming for me. I've had some bad experience to do with burning and self-harming and fire has always been a mystery to me. Looks almost fluid, beautiful. Scented candles also make your room smell nice and can have a real 'sigh' effect on you. Where you just breathe in and sigh, that's a good effect.
4. List things.
To-do lists are a little bit doom and gloom, especially if you have to turn the page or go into double numbers. Try writing different things like what you have done or things you would like to encorporate into your days to help with wellbeing. My newest one is situps every night and writing in my diary before falling asleep. And if you are feeling brave write down things you have to do, but also when you are going to do them, setting achievable goals and prioritising life.
5. Listen to some new music.
When I say listen to music I mean JUST listen. Don't sing along, no msning or facebooking while listening. Combined with lieing on the floor this can be so reviving. Especially if you find a song which had a really nice build up to energy. Personally Nerina Pallot (Yes she is on spotify) has transformed my depressed moments. Sophia a fire, I'm burning I'm burning...Lalala...<3
6. Preen.
Personal grooming can sometimes be pushed to the back of your mind when the world takes over. Take care of yourself and it will go further than the flesh. My room is a haven for moisturisers, face masks, hair masks, tweezers, eyelash curlers, foot scrubs and all sorts! A this isn't just for girls. Guys, a good long shower with a good lynx shower gel and a careful shave should make yourself feel better I'm sure. :)
7. Cut yourself off from the world.
In serious cases where I feel like I've completely lost where I'm going I will have one day where I don't feel attached to anything. People pass me by and I'm in my head, playing music to myself and doing very little with the day. Don't watch tv, especially the news, don't listen to the radio. Only listen to music you know won't remind you of things. Read a book, they are great for loosing yourself. Dim the lighting and take heed of all the things above.
8. Take Vitamins.
This seems like a really useless thing to say. Vitamins may not bring about a noticeable change in your mood but that subtle way that you know you are bettering yourself will make you feel more healthy and vibrant. It's basically a placebo effect but there is no need to dismiss it because of that.
So there, my little ways to get back in touch with the inner you. I read in a magazine once that playing with your toes makes you feel good, but frankly I'll just take their word for that.
Ciao.
And so, I was inspired by another blogger who seems a bit lost to write about ways I bring about peace with myself and general happiness and wellbeing. These tips are literally just tips and might seem crazy or just not work but bare with me.
1. Focus on a small and fiddly task.
This can be something like a jigsaw or fixing that necklace that snapped all those days ago. Sewing or something may be more suited to you. Usually something productive is better as you get that sense of achievement at the end. Personally, I paint my nails. French manicures are so fiddly they allow my brain to block all those looming problems that seem to swamp you and pull your mind together to focus on something you WANT to do.
2. Lie down.
Not on a bed. Bed's are for sleeping and you'll only get that sense of frustration that comes with trying to fall asleep when you aren't sleepy or not being allowed to fall asleep. Lie on the floor and just relax. Flop down, no need to be neat with how you lie. Lieing down uses no muscles so only your brain has to be active. This will take away all distractions and let you focus on those niggling problems and give you some time to try and think of solutions.
3. Light a candle.
Fire is incredibly calming for me. I've had some bad experience to do with burning and self-harming and fire has always been a mystery to me. Looks almost fluid, beautiful. Scented candles also make your room smell nice and can have a real 'sigh' effect on you. Where you just breathe in and sigh, that's a good effect.
4. List things.
To-do lists are a little bit doom and gloom, especially if you have to turn the page or go into double numbers. Try writing different things like what you have done or things you would like to encorporate into your days to help with wellbeing. My newest one is situps every night and writing in my diary before falling asleep. And if you are feeling brave write down things you have to do, but also when you are going to do them, setting achievable goals and prioritising life.
5. Listen to some new music.
When I say listen to music I mean JUST listen. Don't sing along, no msning or facebooking while listening. Combined with lieing on the floor this can be so reviving. Especially if you find a song which had a really nice build up to energy. Personally Nerina Pallot (Yes she is on spotify) has transformed my depressed moments. Sophia a fire, I'm burning I'm burning...Lalala...<3
6. Preen.
Personal grooming can sometimes be pushed to the back of your mind when the world takes over. Take care of yourself and it will go further than the flesh. My room is a haven for moisturisers, face masks, hair masks, tweezers, eyelash curlers, foot scrubs and all sorts! A this isn't just for girls. Guys, a good long shower with a good lynx shower gel and a careful shave should make yourself feel better I'm sure. :)
7. Cut yourself off from the world.
In serious cases where I feel like I've completely lost where I'm going I will have one day where I don't feel attached to anything. People pass me by and I'm in my head, playing music to myself and doing very little with the day. Don't watch tv, especially the news, don't listen to the radio. Only listen to music you know won't remind you of things. Read a book, they are great for loosing yourself. Dim the lighting and take heed of all the things above.
8. Take Vitamins.
This seems like a really useless thing to say. Vitamins may not bring about a noticeable change in your mood but that subtle way that you know you are bettering yourself will make you feel more healthy and vibrant. It's basically a placebo effect but there is no need to dismiss it because of that.
So there, my little ways to get back in touch with the inner you. I read in a magazine once that playing with your toes makes you feel good, but frankly I'll just take their word for that.
Ciao.
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