Holiday Week One Update

Family
First cause it's gonna being the biggest probably. Best news! Mum and N are engaged! YYYAAYY He will officially become part of the family after like 9 years. Worst news... I had a huge argument with C that lasted about two days and it's shattered my trust and friendship in her. I can't really forgive her for the stuff she's said and I see nothing to apologise for, so it's a brush it under the rug situation. I can grin and bear it. Mum had a go at me today because I disobeyed her rules and had guys sleep over when she was on holiday so now I'm now allowed to stay in the house alone when they next go on holiday as a punishment. Tbh, that's not very bad, I can live with that.

Friends
All is awesome and well, seeing everyone regularly, sharing problems with everyone and feeling pretty darn secure.

Love
Super happy and super worrying. Arguments and petty squabbles seem to happen more often than I would like and I've come to realise that I'm not myself with them, I act more childish and stupid to make them want to love me and protect me more. Don't know what will happen here, tis early.

Soul
It's taken too much trauma recently and I feel weaker and like I need some sort of anchor in these times. I've had huge arguments and real upset as well as some really good news and happiness. The rollercoaster is making me sick.

A Post Exam Update

Well, currently I am all free and lovely but previously I was not. Exams make me mean, cold, harsh and incredibly boring. I do apologise if I have bored anyone *Glare at Stagbitch*. Back to normal posts.

Friends
Well the majority of my friends are fine and I think it's going to get more stable from the shaky position it's been during exams. However I have recently lost one friend, he's not dead, just a dick. Marshal was just totally cutting and harsh for no apparant reason and he makes no effort with me. I have no duty to him to be his friend or put up with his shit, so fuck it. He's out of the picture in my mind.Two of my girlies have new male interests, one of them being rather aged compared. I'm really happy for them. Their secret smiles make me all fuzzy inside.

Family
My mum recently gave permission for me to sleep over at Him's house which is amazing of her as she's usually quite controlling. I think she's really proud of me for getting through these exams without another break down. Last exam season me and her argued pretty badly and I like screamed and shouted, it was not pretty. Sisters awesome, if a little annoying. N is nice recently. I feel suspicious of him though. There was a huge scandal a while ago where my sis had some suspicions about his fidelity. I check his history now and keep watch, just to keep mumsie safe. He's alright most of the time, when he's not whining. Dad's awesome and C is also coolies, seeing them this weekend.
N's daughter is pregnant with her second child. My aunty recently got engaged. Sitatution with crazy Cousin is no better, her sister is doing well and wants to go into Criminal science.

Bus
This has been a big thing recently, so I want to moan. Frodo has moved downstairs bringing the second Bummer Twin with him. Urgh, as if one wasn't bad enough. The Handsome One seems to be a little reserved, but has come to accept his position as rejected in favour of Headphone Mans coolness. Owl Boy...my darling. He's growing up and it unnerves me, I don't know whether to treat him like a kid or like someone my age. I might try the latter tommorow.

School
Psychology - Went okay. Almost well.
Biology - Felt I did crap.
English - Felt I did crap.
Philosophy  - Felt I was a crap.

Love
As mentioned earlier, the Mutti has allowed me to sleep over Him's so I'm super psyched about that happening someday. I want to fall asleep knowing he's a moment away from me, sleeping in his arms has been so safe before. He even shhs me when I twitch like a freak. I feel totally wrapped up in cotton wool type love and it doesn't bother me I'm not super in control, being taken care of has been a welcome break especially in the exam season. I just wish I could hold him and kiss him all the time. Oh I'm close to crying now, MOVE ON.

Mind - Stressed
Body - Tired and flabby, will feel strong and toned when I get the energy soon.
Soul - At peace, was all worked up in a flapper but is on a come down off a high.

Hobbies
I want to write, I've been pouring out endless creativity recently and I just want to bottle it and share it around. Especially in the romance tragedy area. I feel another Lovers Grave coming along....Yay or Nay?

Therapy

Lots of people might admit that they would benefit from therapy.
WELL IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!

Cosmopolitain July Issue now says that the best way to keep your emotions, goals and life under control is... to keep a diary! Even if it's just for bitching or private celebrations of your awesome grades you can't boast about publicly. A diary is the best friend and the best listener. You can read back your depressed entries and realise what went wrong and how to deal with it next time, you can write notes to your future self when you're happy to remind you that you are awesome! I love it. I can write secrets and then censor them with extra paper labelled "Super private!" so I feel even more mischievious. You can keep a secret and tell it at the same time. You can make lists about good and bad things about things and make decisions wisely. You can doodle and then interpret them later. You can note an amazing song that made you feel good so when you read it back you can listen again and re-feel every precious emotion of that time!!

Okay, so it might not be for everyone. But I love my diary and it's been the best commitment of my life. Now you will excuse me, I have a pen to find...

Epic Blog Update

Oh Yes, I'm heading back to the traditional Belle style of catagorising things. :D

Health
Starting with the worst so you'll forget it by the end. I have the worst, cough/cold combo I have ever suffered. I'm currently on three different types of drugs, still can't breathe through my nose and feel like I swallowed a binbag full of ash. It's so dry and scratchy in the my throat right now, I'd rather chop a toe off than sneeze.... okay I lie. Only if the toe grew back perfect. I really hate one of my toes alright!

Body
New catagory! Coming into summer I am becoming incredibly body conscious. I don't think it's conscious... more aware. More body aware. I am aware I have a pinch of a belly - do I care...that's another matter. I have been eating shit for the past two weeks and also dropped four pounds. I'm going to blame revision and worry for that, so go you!

Mind
Of course I had to do mind if I had body! Well basically half of me feels like it's been bit off, chewed up, swallowed, sicked out and shat on by a panda. The other half is so elated it's like a helium balloon pulling on the depressed strings that attach it to the other half of my mind. OW I JUST COUGHED

Friends
One of my bessies has just suffered a loss which may hit her hard or softly. Either way, it's hit her and I am hoping to act as temporarily air bag to pain. I don't like my mates being hurt so I shall be doing my best to rally forth with too-soon jokes and texts filled with love and support! Yay! Other friends seem to be fine, none have any beef with me, which is lucky 'cause I feel like chicken tonight. :D Admit it, that joke was awesome. I don't feel awfully close to any one particular person recently and it's bothering me. It means that I have to turn to a different person for every crisis. Forbidden boy crisises go to DarlingOne whereas boyfriend crisis are shared between her, C and Cheshire. Then if I have a family crises I go to C as she is the voice of adult reason. And then if I have a body crisis I run straight to Cheshire again. What a palava. Almost wrote pavlova then which is totally different.

Love
Skip if you don't want to hear gooey happy sweet sickness because I'm afraid to say it's going rather well. We haven't argued properly in a long while and the little tiffs are easier to brush off because I can see now when I'm overreacting. The only thing coming between us is a few crush issues which I am personally ironing out. I miss him when he's away, when we are together there is no pressure to be an amazing girlfriend or attractive, I can just slump in his arms and he will still love me. He might ask me to move cause I'm crushing his arms but that's reality for you.

Bus
WAAAHHHH my darling headphone man will be leaving after his exams are done! He may only be here for a while longer and I'm gutted. We really got closer over the past few weeks and I loved chatting with him, trying to make him awkward in the mornings and beating him in the avo. He's promised to give me a bracelet when he leaves, bless the poor sod. XD

School
Exams are coming. Looming over me like a massive black hairy cloud with tentacles. I shall try and keep my cool but the closer I get, the more the Mind and Health departments will suffer. I am an absolute horror for nervous illnesses. Even meeting with the Krewe can send me bolting for the bathroom if it's an 'event'. Hate my own reflexes. I'll get through it though, with or without a cold. Grrr!

So that's my mega update and I still have hours left to kill before anyone is online. Do I revise or write an analysis of each person....? I KNOW!

Sunshine

Boy is it gorgeous out here. Nothing beats morning sun. It's fresher and not as dry, I love humid heat that wraps your up in a cushion of warm wet air.

Today it was the absolute epitome of gorgeous in my garden. I came outside, sat down and I could hear the church wedding bells sounding in the distance. They are off again now, congrats Strangers. And then the garden was covered by blossom off the apple tree and the morning sun always hits the top of the garden with the ornate iron chairs and table. So I'm sat there with my sexy trackies rolled up so I can ever so slowly tan my legs.

Anyway, I have to get back to revising. Just letting you know that I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Him. And yes, that was a reference to Twilight. Booya.

In Love

I am beginning to very tentatively admit to myself that I may be in love, again.

My belly aches -  they are on holiday. :(

A Little Update

 Or so I think it will be, could go on a bit knowing me.

Family
This is all going well. I get a bit more time to spend around them as now the new boyf isn't quite so close, I even went to the shops with my dad today. We got him B'day pressies even though it's a week early. Twas quite funny. My sister started writing Happy Birthday but it turned into "Hab" so I was like "Just switch the p and b" So we wrote "Habby Pirthday" on his card and then commented that Sissy shouldn't be allowed to write any more cards.

Friends
Once again, pretty well. The few that annoy me will always annoy me but my power as a leader has completely slipped and now I have no say on who comes and goes, not that I ever did really. It's kind of gutting now that I have to take a back seat at times, I feel a little useless to be frank.

Love
AWESOME! Him came over (That sounds like a caveman speaking, I should change Him's name.) anyways, He came over yesterday and it was amazing as usual. I managed to get him really hyper on coke, and that was hilarious. We just messed around (in both senses of the word ;) ) and it rocked.

Girl Rant
I finally bought curling tongs! But I curled my hair earlier, I love it curly but it never stays like that cause my hair is so heavy. Oh! And I got some cute red dolly shoes for 6 squid in Asda. Yum.

Health
I guess I'm healthy. I keep missing my multivitamins so that's my New Years Resolution gone!

Education
Looking into Universities. Really worried about this thing on Tuesday because I'll be going to random talks and nobody has actually said "Oh, I'll come with you" to any of it, so I might end up walking around like a loser, getting lost and ending up in the middle of Northampton, very confused.

Modelling

I am obsessed with modelling. My one dream as a kid was to be a model, I loved posing for pictures and being on camera. But of course, this dream was completely crushed by a few things. I am too small, in every way except figure wise. And of course I have no sense of fashion and trends and am not photogenic whatsoever. Not to mention living nowhere near the fashion captitallee of London.

So instead of going into modelling which is of course impossible for me, I obsess over it. I love watching runway shows, reading fashion magazines and most of all America's Next Top Model. Yes it's melodramatic and completely about Tyra Banks, but I LOVE IT!
Seriously, people should watch it. The challenges are awesome, the medical emergencies are tense and the catfights get bigger and better every cycle! Not to mention there is always one girl who freaks out when they have to do an underwater/dangerous creatures/heights photoshoot.

Love it. Watch it.

P.s the two at the side are my two favourite pictures. The first is Allison from cycle 12 and the second is Lauren Brie from cycle 3.

Peekaboo

Thought you'd like a little update on my life, a little peekaboo one might say. I was going to do it in a My Day post but most of this stuff actually didn't happen today, today was boring to put it lightly. It's time for a Q and A!!

Well. I am officially off the market, again. I know, I know.
"You just came out of a relationship cause you thought it was too heavy!" - Too heavy with that one person, we were having a very very monotonous serious relationship and I wasn't ready for that.
"I thought you were going to stay single for a while... what happened to that idea?" - I was going to. But I really have liked this guy for a while, as previous blogs and my diary tell. I'm not one to wait around. I had been over Stag before we even broke up, so in my mind it's been much more time. I guess this guy is just too great to ignore while I play the scene.
"So you're starting a new relationship?" - Yes. It's much more lighthearted this time. I'm going into it with an idea of how fast I want to take things, and nothing is in a rush to get it all one, I can savour things this time around.
"Won't this just get serious fast as well?" - Hopefully not. It's a different guy and we have spoken about it before. He's happy to wait until I want to and he's in no rush himself. Although he was the first to say that he thinks he's in love with me. So I guess that is pretty serious.
"What is he like?" - He's lovely. Pure loveliness. He's sweet and cute but sexy too and without realising it. Oh and super smart, determined. I'm really falling for him hard.
"Oh that's so cute! So who is it?" - It's Him. It's Fungi. It's New Crush. All the same person.
"So how is it going so far?" - Well... we had a really minor hiccup but it was just me being picky and paranoid. Other than that it's been smooth sailing. I try not to compare him to Stag, but there's always going to be a part of me that wants to.
"How is Stag with all of this? Aren't they friends?" - Yeah, and really good ones too. Well I've spoken to Stag and he pretty much had already guessed. He blogged about it a while ago giving his permission but we weren't sure about him being over us. We kept it quiet for a while until we were absolutely sure that he was okay, which he is - hence the new honesty.
"Well, I wish you luck!" - Aww thankyou, you guys are all so nice.

See you!

Blossoming

Well, everything is blossoming like a wonderful flower. My life has gone from utmost misery- crying every single day to walking around with a goofy smile on my face. Mind you I guess all of my smiles are goofy.

And my phone has been going crazy recently.

I love it.
Although I'm afraid I can't post much cause this one thing has taken over my life and I can't really talk about it on here, it's private matters.

The Finale

My mind is made up.

I've consulted the two bessy friends

I've consulted the family - mad as they might be

And I've decided to...

One Mega Update

I do so apologise for the fact I haven't posted in more than a few days, a particularly long time in the world of Belle. I have actually been mainly talking to Beau, my spiritual guidance partner and great listener: also known as Diary.

{{Quick update of all not related to main topic: I went belly dancing for the second time, we are learning a routine and I feel empowered and sexy by it. My English coursework has taken up many of my frees and I have become crushed by the fact someone has already done it miles and miles better than me. I'm reading another N.G book and the beauty of it's words are so encapsulating it's like a blanket of sensuality. (Check that out.) Friends are fine, feeling closer to Cheshire more and more. Struggling to connect to the Wallflower.}}

Recently I have been obsessed by men. (Or are they boys, what a conundrum). There is The Handsome One who I always thought was the strong and silent type with a gorgeous jaw and handsomely hooded brows. Turns out he's more a cheeky and comical bloke (That doesn't fit either...) and the words devilishly handsome spring to mind. He's become a key player in my eye-candy-cupboard. If I see him, I usually smile and it's pleasing me that nowadays I get one back.

Then there is the New Crush. Now New Crush has actually been mentioned heavily before in my entries but I can't use his other name/initials. Takes out all the fun. He gives, or rather gave, me lots of attention and was very sweet and gorgeously cuddly. When my boyfriend was away with a chest infection (Not man-flu or swine-flu) he was the one who was my substitute.
However.
He has then crushed my hopes and aspirations of him falling madly in love with me and begging for my love, only for me to politely decline and float away all-fairy-like with a halo of sunshine... Yes, crushed all that purely by one mean flippant comment. He has a mean streak and I do not like it. It has put me off.

Then there is the Boyfriend. As he was off for a total week I got a feel for what it would be like if he wasn't featured in my life. If he didn't exist. I quite liked it. I could hang out with my friends and not have to wait for someone who is running late at the end of the day, I could choose whoever I wanted to sit with at lunch without any fear of leaving people out, I could flirt like mad with anyone and nobody could stop me.
However. (Ha, again.)
I missed having someone to help me find my bus so I don't look crazy walking towards a bus only to realise it's not mine. (Damn mild shortsightedness). I missed someone waiting at my locker after I've just taught wild year nines to calm me down. I missed having someone looked agast every morning at how lovely I looked.

My life is full of contradictions and inconsistencies at the minute but it is a touch more interesting than the norm, so I don't mind.
:D

My Day - Episode Ten

This is starting out as a My Day but will end up as a rambling. Today and yesterday the boyfriend has been away with man-flu, actually I don't know for sure, he could be half-cut in a field and I wouldn't know - mental note to wring him after blog post is done.

Philosophy today really got me thinking. First of all we decided to allocate animals to different people. Teacher got owl because he's so wise and very watchful and analytic and he looks a bit like one, a thin one.
The inside-out-sock-wearer got a frog because he never speaks, he just sits there looking sleepy and bored.
The girl-who-covers-her-mouth-when-she-laughs got a cheshire cat because she tends to smile alot with this knowing look. Those are the few that were most interesting, I got a meerkat because apparently I always look very alert and alive, popping my head up a lot. I think that's pretty suitable.

Then we ended up talking about friendships and relationships, how people deal with arguments. Wise Owl said that when he and his wife argue he busies himself so he won't have to confront them. I ended up talking about when me and my babe fell out and didn't speak for eight months. Was a little weird thinking back on it. We just gave up on hating each other in the end.

And then we spoke about love. Wise Owl came up with this theory that partners should bring out the best in other people but not be selfish with one another. If a couple only like to be together alone then it's probably not a good relationship. If someone loves someone they would want to share their loveliness with everyone and be happy to be apart because love doesn't depend on distance.

Real love is when you can experience lots of wonderful eye-opening new things and travel the world alone and you will still go home to that one person because you want to and be very very happy that it is them there and no-one else. I totally agree. I may be a cheater and unfaithful but I always chose Boyfriend over them, isn't that a stronger love than just never checking to see the grass is greener and still returning?

The Real BlogPost

I will admit, the stealing of the quiz was lazy! I just haven't done a quiz in ages so if you don't read it, I really don't care. I'm going to give you a rundown of my life in the form I usually do for my diary entires.

Love
Well boyfriend is once again perfect. He kissed my hair and forehead today. I feel so wonderfully taken care of. He makes my life stress free. When I didn't have my bus pass he just shushed me, took me in his arms and took care of it. - Perfection.
Had a nice dream a couple of nights ago where basically me and boyfriend got married and went on our honeymoon, it was wonderfully exotic and gorgeously luxurious! I was wearing an off the shoulder white dress which was very simplistic but such a figure hugger, my waist was tiny!
It will admit to have a little wandering eye but it's only showing appreciation for the beautiful male form and whatnot, nothing personal with anyone.
The whole 'dick' incident has passed. I no longer care if anyone believes me or even knows about it, it's on his shoulders now. I just pray he trips every time he walks by, or at least stumbles. Please God?

Family
Sister is panicking over university interviews, she takes priority in family at this stage, I'm good to take a back seat after my whole "Her relationship is SERIOUS" family crisis thing.
Step-dad-thing N is dieting, he's on the lighetlife so he's living off soups. Bless, he got so excited when he was allowed these bars that I wouldn't even give a dog.
Mum is taking happiness on blaming all her mood swings and odd rambles on being pre-menopausal. Thanks mum, I really needed that.

Health
Keep forgetting to take vitamins, there goes my new years resolution number one. Have finally booked opticians and pill consultation with nurse for Friday. No doubt I will get pre-stressful moment sickness. Fear I may need unnatractive glasses. I cannot pull off 'sexy secutary' look. It comes out as 'Is she Velma from scooby doo?'/

Friends
I recently had a heart to heart with fellow Girl Guide, she told me what she'd been hiding from me (sneaky cow, love her!) and I told her I felt pushed out of the little group and felt it was dejavu of when we last fell out. We had emotional hug and she cooled my neck with her ice hands, see she's even useful. Curltop, can't remember what I called him after he cut his hair, is being mean and my self esteem plummeted momentarily feeling like a short fat blob. Got to love male friendly joking....not.

Self-Esteem
Pretty darn high. Painting my nails and having regular lie-ins are making me happier. Not mention throw off comments like "You have such a nice fashion sense" and "Your hair is always in nice condition" are just wiggling their way into my psyche. Love it!

True Blood Versus Life

Round One!
At the moment I feel down in the dumps. I recently found out that people have in the past judged me as cold and predatory, people who I thought had had only good opinions of me had at one point disliked me to a point of cold hatred.
True Blood =  Escapism from crappy life.
Round One goes to True Blood.

Round Two!
True Blood books Sookie Stackhouse series are too expensive to buy, causing frustrations at something I want and can't have. And I may have ruined all books by watching the whole of series one and two.
Even though these other people have put a downer on my sense of ideal friendshps I do have those who come through for me, the unexpected ones from out of the blue give me a sense on hope.
Round Two to Life

Round Three!
Recently started to notice the fact I am disfigured and imperfect being, it's getting under my skin or to be accurate, on. Hating self-image, hating boyfriends little annoyances and just full of hate.
True Blood is more fucked up then my life and provides comfort and support is reassuring me that I may actually be relatively normal....maybe.
Round Three to True Blood!

And the winner is True Blood. When the going gets tough... The tough watch True Blood. <3

Poetry in Motion

There once was a girl. Many stories start with something as simple as one person, one person in billions and billions who has a story to tell. Sometimes the story is dramatic or even melodramatic, it could be happy or sad but most stories are written to tap into your heart and scrawl something new.
This girl was nothing spectacular. Hair that was only just brown in the light and eyes that became totally black in the dark, skin a faint gold that fades into a pale pink-yellow in the winter, the cold pinching her cheeks until they shone red. 
It was winter where this story stands although it is being written every minute of every hour of every day. Today she walks, wind biting her lips and making it hard. She bites the insides of her cheeks as she does every day, a nervous habit that has now slipped into a boredom habit. Walking steadily she hobbled across the icy road where the snow was compacted and black with the dirt of too many tyres.She didn't like the snow, it only caused disruption where it fell and it always spent too long fading away. Not to mention snow days were rare due to the absolute determined opening of the school. That's where she was headed. 
Such a miserable place, full of measuring people up to someone elses standards. You could only feel like you had achieved something if someone else told you that you had. Could they measure wit? Or creative flair? Or a good sense of humour? She thought not, and those were the things that mattered in a person; at least to her they were.
But there was one thing spurring her on in this repeated journey to and from school. A boy, or rather a man. Perhaps both. Someone stuck in that unnamable stage of maturity, where the innocence of childhood has faded but they haven't yet been stained with the cynicism of adulthood. A beautiful stage she thought. Many of the stories she read were based on people in this stage, growing through experiences rather than time. She was in love with this person, or so she suspected. 
When they were together it was comfortable whether words were said or not. When they were apart a faint longing touched their minds no matter what they were doing. He accepted her; chips on each shoulder and all. She could be raw and honest with him and he smiled with his blue eyes and would stroke her hand claiming that it didn't matter. 
But most of all he forgave her. Forgiveness is the one thing that can solidify love. If someone can accept your mistake, your broken being, and continue to love you all the same; that is love. And that is what he did. She had expected to see an accusing look in his eye asking 'Why?' but she was wrong. His eyes were clear as water and held only an affectionate sympathy for her. 
They shared their pain. His of the betrayal he overcame and hers of the mistakes that would forever cast a shadow over her life. But at least someone would step into the shadow to be with her. 

xx

Keep writing your life story people.

Coming Clean

I had a very big secret from my boyfriend that only my nearest and dearest knew about and it was tearing me apart. For almost three months I have been totally locked off from the world, throwing myself into my relationship to repent for something he didn't know.

It was a big, horrible, monstrous, I'm-going-to-ruin-your-life kind of mistake, the ones you wish you could turn back time to stop, I'd give a limb to go back. I asked him what he would do if I ever had done something like that. He said he's deleted all of my details and make me dissapear from his life.

It was a hollow threat to say the least. We are both hopelessly in love. One teary, very teary, phonecall made me come clean, wipe the slate totally spotless and we started again.

In love stronger than ever, at the weakest and more destroyed part of our relationship yet.

"Learn to appreciate failure - and respect it. Acknowledge the courage it's taken to get that far. Seeing other strive, fail and strive again spurs us all on. For we are witnessing the glorious, indomitable human spirit in action." - N.G

"Never forget the power in forgiveness. It can be incredibly releasing - it can flush you clean, uplift you, move you on." -N.G

Autumn

Things I love about autumn are the beautiful colours and the crunch of leaves underneath my feet when I walk. Kicking up piles of leaves and watching them flutter to the ground. The fact it isn't cold, but it's not exactly warm. The fresh mornings, dewy grass. Rosy cheeks. Children wrapped up in so many layers they waddle. Scarves and gloves, hats with pompoms. Bonfire night. Fireworks. My Birthday. Sparklers. Fireplaces finally having a use. Radiators warming up while you lean against them. Warm winter puddings like hot chocolate fudge cake, but still having ice creams. The buzz of coming holidays, Christmas and Halloween. Constantly having a fluffy blanket with me, especially when curling up to watch a movie. Plus I love slippers being acceptable again.

Things I hate about autumn. The coming of winter. Having perpetually cold fingers. Runny noses. Cold rain. Wet leaves stuck to windows. When it's so windy it's like a twister. Having to wear a huge coat after planning my outfit so carefully. Early dark. Late light. Having less time. Getting frizzy dry hair. But mostly I hate the cold.

Overall. I love Autumn. I think that I will always link it to my childhood where we'd rake leaves into piles, pretend we were birds and they were our nests or throw them in the air and try to catch as many as possible. Autumn is my season, the best season.